Still resistant to change?

Well strap in for the second and final episode, where we wrap up our change averse discussion.

Lets dive into the last set of reasons for resisting change, and lets uncover how we can overcome these hinderances to improve our own lives!

Listen in at:


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Kathy Gruver: Welcome to another episode of the fire earth podcast I am your co host Kathy Gruber.

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Jason Mefford: And i’m Jason medford and today we’re going to pick up where we left off on a previous episode we’ve been talking about.

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Jason Mefford: Why, we are resistant to change and some of the things that we can do to actually not be resistant to change because.

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Jason Mefford: You know Kathy I don’t know if if you’re like me, but I know when I dig in, and I am not willing to change.

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Jason Mefford: My life usually doesn’t go the way I want it to i’m just stuck in a rut right and so that’s one of the reasons why we’re talking about that because, again, you might be feeling that way to.

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Jason Mefford: You know you feel like it’s groundhogs day you get up you do the same thing, every day, you know you hear.

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Jason Mefford: you hear sonny and cher every morning when you when you hit your it’s your alarm so.

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Jason Mefford: So let’s get in and we’ll talk more about because, again, this is a continuation of the previous episode so on the first episode what were the ones that we talked about so in case they missed it they go back Masson.

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Kathy Gruver: yeah so we talked about our brain and how you know we just are wired to be a little resistant to change.

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Kathy Gruver: it’s just that’s just how our brain, is it looks for danger quicker than it looks for happiness and joy so talked about our brain, we talked about just playing stubbornness, which you and I don’t have it all.

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Kathy Gruver: We talked about secondary gain, which is getting some sort of very subconscious unconscious reward for staying in a situation or method that you’re already using we talked about habit with me and that’s silly ice jug and today we’re going to talk about just a couple more of those so.

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Kathy Gruver: we’ll just dive in.

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Jason Mefford: So let’s jump in because I know one of them that we had mentioned before, is fear.

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Jason Mefford: yeah people are afraid.

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Jason Mefford: afraid of change so so what’s what is, what does that mean, how to how do we kind of over overcome now.

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Kathy Gruver: yeah I mean it could be fear of anything fear of failure, fear of success, fear of the unknown fear of judgment, you know what are other Oh, what are other people going to think.

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Kathy Gruver: And I think so much of that goes back to that sort of tribalism that we had before, have you know we wanted to fit into.

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Kathy Gruver: Our little village, we wanted to fit into that pack of people that we formed and so if we start to do something in a different way, what if they judge us what if they don’t like us it’s all those what f’s.

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Kathy Gruver: You know I love the using the acronym of fear of false evidence appearing real you know, unless you’re in a serious physical threat situation.

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Kathy Gruver: Just like in the you know the last episode about this, we talked about the story of me getting the irs thing that said delayed and I went into this whole had a oh my God, was it just meant delayed.

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Kathy Gruver: We could create these these tales about all this fear and what’s so fascinating as we go through these.

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Kathy Gruver: are so interconnected, you know the influence of other people, and sometimes we’re stuck because of fear and their secondary gain and you know.

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Kathy Gruver: there’s no real just one thing that causes us to not change, but those fears of you know if you don’t try that new thing well you can’t fail.

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Kathy Gruver: If you don’t try that new thing, and you can’t succeed, and then you don’t have the pressure of that.

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Kathy Gruver: You know it’s just so much easier and so much less threatening to sit exactly where you are and not step out of that comfort zone and try something new, so I think that’s where fear and the resistance to change comes in.

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Jason Mefford: Well, I want to pick that up a little bit because you know, most of the time when we think about fear we think about the negative side of it right like well if I.

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Jason Mefford: If I do this, and I fail right, then, then we attach some sort of meaning to that, but, but the fear of success is one that a lot of times people don’t really think about is that you know if I do something new, I might succeed.

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Jason Mefford: And if I succeed what is that going to mean well, maybe i’m become a different person if I become a different person I might outgrow some of the relationships that I currently have.

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Jason Mefford: I might have to show up as a different person right and then what I was doing before, and so, so the fear of success and i’ve seen this from so many people.

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Jason Mefford: Right like trying to grow their business or move forward in their career is they say they want to do it, but they’re afraid of the changes and of having the success.

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Kathy Gruver: yeah well and to that point even further if you succeed if.

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Kathy Gruver: You say okay i’m going to write that book i’m gonna write that guy gotta do I gotta do I gotta do it, and then you write the book.

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Kathy Gruver: Then everybody goes oh what’s your next book will be about and you suddenly go oh shit and suddenly all this pressure to keep performing to outdo yourself that’s a lot of pressure I know i’ve done, I have like I have eight books now and after every book.

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Kathy Gruver: The question that everybody asks what’s your next book it’s like good Lord I just finished this one, you know there’s this constant luckily my capricorn appreciate that but there’s this constant pressure like once you succeed.

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Kathy Gruver: What if you then fail after succeeding that’s even worse than just failing in the first place, so I think there’s just so much pressure that we build up and again from outside people and we’ll talk about outside forces in a second.

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Kathy Gruver: But I think there is that success that fear of success and we don’t often think about that or it’s the well I don’t really deserve that.

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Kathy Gruver: Because you know I don’t deserve to have that I don’t deserve to succeed, I don’t deserve to make the kind of money.

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Kathy Gruver: i’m embarrassed to have that kind of wealth, whatever it is, you know and again so much of that is programming programming programming programming and you know that comes from our parents from our teachers from how we were raised, you know this idea of deserving something.

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Kathy Gruver: And you know we set people up for that failure and it’s so hardwired into our brain I remember, I had.

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Kathy Gruver: Friends visiting and their mom was with them, and I said hey why don’t we all go kayaking that would be so much fun just in the harbor it’d be so much fun and the mom goes I probably fallen underground.

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Kathy Gruver: wow from kayaking wearing a.

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Kathy Gruver: Okay, it wasn’t Oh, that would be fun, or you know it wasn’t oh that’s to physically hard for me or oh it’s too hot, it was.

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Kathy Gruver: All probably fall in and drowned that’s amelie where her brain went she was just hard wired to be more negative than the average person and she never stepped out of her comfort zone and tried anything because of that kind of fear.

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Kathy Gruver: It was a really limited life, and it was really unfortunate to watch, because there are so many things she said she wanted to do, but never did because this fear was holding her back.

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Jason Mefford: So fear definitely does hold most of us back again fear of failure, or even the fear of success because, like you said it’s it’s.

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Jason Mefford: just another one of those things for you to start start walking through the loop.

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Jason Mefford: right on what what does that mean, and again, does it really matter at the end of the day.

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Jason Mefford: Right, because most of the time it doesn’t again we’re not going to the choices that we make if we try and we and we don’t succeed we’re not going to die.

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Jason Mefford: Right right and so again, you know, just like the lady with the kayak I mean she was going to the far extreme she’s thinking, she is gonna die it’s like no you’re gonna get a little wet you might be a little cold but you’re wearing a life like.

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Jason Mefford: yeah but.

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Jason Mefford: But you’re not going to die from it.

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Jason Mefford: Right and but, but the other side is you know it might be something that is just amazing.

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Kathy Gruver: yeah yeah.

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Jason Mefford: amazing that that you just find that you love.

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Jason Mefford: And you’re you’re giving you’re missing out on that if you don’t at least even try.

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Kathy Gruver: Absolutely well and here’s my advice on that so let’s say you have to do this really big scary thing, and you do have that fear change whether it’s fear of failure simply fear of the unknown.

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Kathy Gruver: start with something small condition yourself to get used to stepping out of your comfort zone, this is why, when the with the trapeze you don’t start with double tucks.

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Kathy Gruver: You start with a knee hang you start with a swing you climb the ladder you get yourself.

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Kathy Gruver: acclimated as you go, you know it’s not diving into the deep end it’s let’s slowly progressively go in, so if you really seriously have a big fear of change, maybe it’s you drive a different route to work tomorrow.

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Kathy Gruver: Or you order something different in the restaurant than what you normally get you know start with.

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Kathy Gruver: Non threatening non scary things, and you can start to get your consciousness used to, and your subconscious is used to doing things in a different way, you know that the thing that I read about online was you know if you cross your arms.

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Kathy Gruver: yep now crossing the other way.

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Jason Mefford: The other way.

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Kathy Gruver: Oh it’s so weird.

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Kathy Gruver: And just even something as simple as that you know our work habit.

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Kathy Gruver: that’s the way we’ve always done it, which is what we talked about in the last one, and just try something different, and you’ll slowly acclimate yourself to accepting those bigger bigger and bigger changes and next thing you know you either want to double check on the trapeze.

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Jason Mefford: Well, and those little changes to the other thing that they do is it conditioned you, and it provides you with evidence right because that was one of the things we talked about on the last episode two is has there ever been a time when you tried something new.

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Jason Mefford: yeah right and and the more times that you’re actually trying or changing that work positive for you, you know, the more evidence you’re going to have for the other things, and like you said you’ve got to do the little things to get to the bigger things.

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Jason Mefford: That, but you know the little things along the way lead to the big thing she’ll never have the big things if you don’t do the little things.

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Jason Mefford: So just start.

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Jason Mefford: Start small there’s a couple of examples order something different off the menu go to a different restaurant order a different wine for dinner.

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Jason Mefford: Right, I mean some of these things like that that.

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Jason Mefford: The worst thing that’s going to happen is you say I don’t really like that one Okay, well then next time don’t worry and.

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Kathy Gruver: Then you know.

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Kathy Gruver: And you’ll never know if you keep ordering the exact same glass of whatever every time you go out.

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Kathy Gruver: And it makes your life fuller and richer and prime’s you to be more open to change when it’s something bigger so yeah it’s a great little tip for that.

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Kathy Gruver: Okay, so we’ve got change talking about outside forces, this is a really interesting one, and this can be very insidious, and so what I meant when I was talking about outside forces is i’ve seen so many people in relationships.

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Kathy Gruver: Where their partners, keeping them stuck.

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Kathy Gruver: Where their partner isn’t encouraging them to lose the weight or to stop drinking, or to be the best they can be because of their fear.

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Kathy Gruver: That well boy if they’re thin and happy now they’re going to leave or if they’re you know beautiful and independent then someone else is going to take them away from me kind of thing so it’s very kind of.

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Kathy Gruver: I see this mixed and very narcissistic relationship very controlling relationships or abusive relationships.

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Kathy Gruver: Where one partner keeps the other one stuck on purpose out of their fear of losing that control that relationship that whatever it is so that that can be a very kind of scary and insidious one and if you’re stuck in that kind of situation you got to find a way to go.

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Jason Mefford: yeah well and outside forces to can also be you know to where you know you, you get to choose what you want to do right, we all have free will, but a lot of times what we’ll do two is especially if you’re very externally or extrinsic Lee motivated.

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Jason Mefford: You will look.

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Jason Mefford: To others right to confirm or help you make your decision and, and so what ends up happening sometimes is you know, like that will will just take the order and wine right is is you might say, you know I I think i’d like to try, you know i’ve never tried Riesling I don’t know i’m just.

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Jason Mefford: Throwing something out here right and so maybe you say well you know i’ve never tried Riesling I kind of like to do that, and maybe you go to some friend or a partner and say.

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Jason Mefford: hey you know what i’ve never tried racing I think i’m gonna try it.

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Jason Mefford: And again, depending on the people around you.

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Jason Mefford: Some people would say.

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Jason Mefford: Why would you want to do that that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard of.

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Kathy Gruver: reasoning sucks that doesn’t match that meal let’s do it let’s do it.

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Jason Mefford: I don’t like Riesling will you would like Riesling right, and so you know a lot of times when we’re around people like that.

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Jason Mefford: Then we end up taking their opinion, and so it it pulls us back because we then we start questioning ourselves like well yeah, I guess, why would I, why would I want to do wrestling then right.

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Jason Mefford: I mean if you if it’s a why doesn’t everybody drinks sharpen a and.

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Jason Mefford: that’s really the only way yeah okay.

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Kathy Gruver: Please now.

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Kathy Gruver: rebel against that immediately.

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Jason Mefford: But you know you know you look at that and so like you said, sometimes you start having the courage to want to change or decide that you want to change.

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Jason Mefford: But then you get somebody else’s opinion and they shoot you down and so that’s that’s why you know, sometimes people say look it’s better not to necessarily.

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Jason Mefford: Unless you have people in your life that are really supportive of whatever you want to do sometimes it’s better to just go do it.

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Jason Mefford: hmm and not get somebody else’s opinion.

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Kathy Gruver: yeah and there’s a huge fear of loss when you start to change, I mean if you spend every weekend with the guys getting shit faced in the bar and you decide one day that you want to stop drinking.

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Kathy Gruver: The friends aren’t necessarily going to be supportive of that because you’re breaking up the group and you’re changing and you’re.

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Kathy Gruver: It you might have to get new friends, you might have to find new people that are a different sort of influence on you.

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Kathy Gruver: let’s flip this i’ll tell you a time we’ll talk about a good outside influence and change, so you know we talked about all the time how I do trapeze.

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Kathy Gruver: i’ve been doing trapeze for like nine years and I was at the trapeze ring in Las Vegas which is not my home rig I was visiting but I know the owner.

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Kathy Gruver: And he watched me do one of my tricks and he said wow Kathy That was really good your swing is really strong long to try a double I went, oh no I thought that was completely out of my realm like I never would have gone to anybody and said, I want to try this.

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Kathy Gruver: It was a little too scary for me, because at least give me a one and a half.

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Kathy Gruver: So the next two days later, I show up he teaches me how to do it, I do a one and a half.

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Kathy Gruver: And I did it and I caught it and it blew my mind, so when I got back to my home rig one of the guys who works there had seen my one and a half, and he goes hey you know it’s time for you to try a double.

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Kathy Gruver: Had these guys not seen that something in me that I didn’t see in myself had they not believed in me and encouraged me to do that.

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Kathy Gruver: I never would have tried it, so in that way, it was me trusting their expertise and me, listening to them and going yeah you know what what the hell i’m going to do i’m in safety lines there’s a net, am I going to get hurt Probably not.

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Kathy Gruver: i’m going to try that thing and that to me, I mean it as silly as it sounds, it kind of changed my life to one have those guys believing in me and now me being able to do something that I never thought.

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Kathy Gruver: That I would be able to do so in that way, listening to those positive outside influences.

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Kathy Gruver: encouraged me to do something way out of my comfort zone and i’m so glad i’m doing Stillman caught the double and we’re so close, but you know it’s it’s something that I, if I never catch it is still a frickin double you know it’s just so exciting to me.

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Jason Mefford: Well, this is one of those things to you know for everybody that’s listening.

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Jason Mefford: probably a good thing for you to do this week, would be to kind of assess some of the people that are around you.

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Jason Mefford: yeah are the people that you’re hanging out with most of the time, are they discouraging you are they negative.

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Jason Mefford: Are they holding you back from some of the changes that you want to do, or are they the people who were supportive or encouraging.

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Jason Mefford: Because, again, I mean one of the one of the reasons why you know, like we said these outside forces if you’re having trouble changing.

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Jason Mefford: One of those reasons could be is the people that you’re surrounding yourself with the people that you’re hanging out with most of the time are also resistant to change, and they are trying to hold you back.

00:15:51.660 –> 00:15:58.290
Jason Mefford: And so, sometimes for you to be able to change sometimes you have to change some of those relationships.

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Jason Mefford: And again, that can be a scary thing that gets back into our fear and everything else, but really you know it comes down to you, having to decide.

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Jason Mefford: Do I want to stay stuck where I am in the pain, or the fear or whatever else, it is that you’re feeling, you know that’s wanting you to grow and move forward, you know which one is better.

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Jason Mefford: Down you want to stay where you’re at or do you want to go where you want to go and sometimes again.

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Jason Mefford: Those choices might mean having to get different friends, you know, like you said, with the with the guys going out and getting shit faced every every weekend right it’s like if you decide and i’ve seen this from a lot of people that I know.

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Jason Mefford: You know we’re drinking has been a very big part of their life, and then they decide, you know what either I want to, I want to quit completely.

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Jason Mefford: Or, I want to cut it back to just socially drinking, or maybe a drink or two a week well you’re gonna you’re going to have to extricate yourself from those people that want you to stay exactly where you’re at.

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Kathy Gruver: yeah yeah and and taking people’s input with a grain of salt, when I was traveling to Egypt and Jordan, I had so many clients who were terrified they came from a very big place of fear.

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Kathy Gruver: Why would you do that that’s dangerous you’re going to get killed you’re never coming back don’t call me for ransom money did it and I heard this from like literally I had clients say horrible things to me.

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Kathy Gruver: And I had to recognize that was coming from their place of fear I didn’t have anybody that was like us need have fun, it was either you’re never coming back you’re gonna get killed.

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Kathy Gruver: or oh my God i’ve been there you’re going to have the best time and I got to choose who I listened to.

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Kathy Gruver: And I have to say, because I had shown the clients constantly you know, putting in my brain, this is scary you’re never coming home, I went with quite a bit of trepidation.

00:17:49.230 –> 00:18:00.060
Kathy Gruver: And it was tough for me to listen to my own inner dialogue of Am I seriously making a bad choice and going like is this actually physically intrinsically dangerous.

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Kathy Gruver: Or am I now being so influenced by these outside forces that i’m starting to feel nervous about something I don’t need to feel nervous about and I finally decided to go there was no threat, I was one of the most incredible trips in my life, and you know you have to.

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Kathy Gruver: it’s sometimes it’s so hard to distill down what is good advice and what is really bad advice and because I trusted those guys at the trapeze REG.

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Kathy Gruver: I tried on one and a half now if somebody I didn’t know it was like how you should do this thing jump off that cliff when you know use your and you think with your guts there folks.

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Kathy Gruver: But you know really like you said sit down and who, who is influencing you.

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Kathy Gruver: Remember there’s this he put yourself in the Center and then you do these like concentric circles out.

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Kathy Gruver: And the most supportive people that you trust you put in that inner circle and then, as they get maybe a little more negative or not, as.

00:18:48.150 –> 00:18:58.080
Kathy Gruver: supportive you put them out or in the circle and then you having that visual really helps you think now who do I want to rely on for advice, who do I want close to me.

00:18:58.410 –> 00:19:07.050
Kathy Gruver: And those people in that outer ring who maybe aren’t being very supportive maybe you just love them from a distance, maybe you limit how much time you spend with them, or what kind of conversations you have with them what you share.

00:19:08.310 –> 00:19:08.670
Jason Mefford: yeah.

00:19:09.180 –> 00:19:11.370
Jason Mefford: very true very true because yeah a lot of.

00:19:12.630 –> 00:19:17.700
Jason Mefford: A lot of times you’re not changing because it’s the people that you’re hanging around with.

00:19:18.450 –> 00:19:18.960
Kathy Gruver: Huge one.

00:19:19.230 –> 00:19:21.210
Kathy Gruver: yep and the last one.

00:19:22.470 –> 00:19:23.850
Kathy Gruver: just plain lazy.

00:19:25.050 –> 00:19:29.010
Jason Mefford: lazy you mean nobody’s lazy.

00:19:29.160 –> 00:19:36.360
Kathy Gruver: No, nobody is lazy no that’s why you haven’t cleaned out the garage and you’re still wearing underwear that’s just a waste by and.

00:19:41.400 –> 00:19:42.720
Jason Mefford: Go to your my head right now.

00:19:43.590 –> 00:19:44.310
Kathy Gruver: I mean, maybe you’re.

00:19:44.460 –> 00:19:51.420
Kathy Gruver: Not cleaning the kitchen and that under I don’t know but it’s like you know yeah you stop at target you get a pack of underwear but it’s I gotta get in the car I got.

00:19:52.380 –> 00:20:01.080
Kathy Gruver: You know, sometimes it just seriously it’s we just don’t feel like doing that thing changes hard even little changes like going to CVs buying a frickin picture.

00:20:02.460 –> 00:20:09.690
Kathy Gruver: You know so sometimes it’s just we just kind of getting the cycle of I don’t want to do that thing just because it seems like it might be a little bit hard.

00:20:10.050 –> 00:20:16.200
Kathy Gruver: And at that point you just have to pull the trigger and do it, I mean there’s there’s a trick to that you just did some point have to get off the couch.

00:20:16.650 –> 00:20:20.040
Kathy Gruver: and go do that thing, and this is where I like having other people.

00:20:20.550 –> 00:20:29.250
Kathy Gruver: influence, maybe it’s hey you know I gotta go shopping I keep putting it off, do you want to run to the store with me or you know what i’m never gonna do this, can you go buy me this thing you know it’s really.

00:20:29.940 –> 00:20:34.980
Kathy Gruver: Getting the people around you who are supportive to help you get those things off your list sometimes that’s all you need to do.

00:20:36.300 –> 00:20:47.550
Jason Mefford: Well, and if you, and if you feel like you know again that maybe you’re you know, this is something that is you just kind of lazy about it, this is another opportunity because it ties in a lot to that secondary.

00:20:47.550 –> 00:20:51.150
Jason Mefford: gain that we talked about before you know, is sometimes.

00:20:51.540 –> 00:20:59.250
Jason Mefford: Sometimes we might even misinterpret us being lazy for some secondary gain that we’re getting.

00:20:59.610 –> 00:21:11.040
Jason Mefford: So, as you as you start asking yourself, you know some of those things you’ll probably end up finding out that well the reason that you’re being lazy or feel like you’re being lazy.

00:21:11.460 –> 00:21:19.710
Jason Mefford: Is you don’t really want it, that bad or there is some secondary gain that you that you’re that you’re getting instead.

00:21:19.830 –> 00:21:20.580
Kathy Gruver: that’s true.

00:21:20.820 –> 00:21:24.960
Jason Mefford: And so it’s it’s just going through and talking about because it’s not really that hard.

00:21:25.110 –> 00:21:31.440
Jason Mefford: I mean there there, there are some people that are just naturally lazy if you will.

00:21:31.530 –> 00:21:31.920
Kathy Gruver: well.

00:21:31.980 –> 00:21:33.540
Jason Mefford: I mean, I know some people that.

00:21:34.590 –> 00:21:50.010
Jason Mefford: I can’t do it i’m not one of those people right but there’s some people that are just happy to sit around and just watch netflix all day on the couch and you know sleep been and just do everything really slow and that’s.

00:21:50.010 –> 00:21:53.820
Jason Mefford: Fine, you know, because if that works for them, then maybe that’s the case right.

00:21:53.880 –> 00:22:00.000
Jason Mefford: But again, people that are like that usually kind of stay where they’re at.

00:22:00.150 –> 00:22:08.400
Jason Mefford: Right things don’t normally change for them and and again because change is hard it takes work.

00:22:08.460 –> 00:22:09.810
Kathy Gruver: It takes commitment.

00:22:10.440 –> 00:22:17.850
Jason Mefford: You know, because a lot of these things that we talked about like these habits, you know how many years were you doing the ice tea in the gallon jugs.

00:22:19.770 –> 00:22:22.140
Jason Mefford: years it was yours.

00:22:22.230 –> 00:22:26.100
Kathy Gruver: Right yeah because it worked out though it’s old house didn’t work at the new House like i’ve done it.

00:22:26.550 –> 00:22:31.650
Jason Mefford: yeah so so you know so when you look at that well if you’ve had a habit for years.

00:22:32.700 –> 00:22:36.300
Jason Mefford: you’re not going to break that habit in a couple of days.

00:22:36.330 –> 00:22:37.320
Kathy Gruver: yeah that’s true.

00:22:37.560 –> 00:22:44.730
Jason Mefford: You know it’s going to take you a month three months, you know to do it, so you have to stay consistent longer than every.

00:22:47.070 –> 00:22:47.430
Kathy Gruver: bed.

00:22:49.320 –> 00:22:51.780
Jason Mefford: But, but you have to stay consistent with it.

00:22:51.870 –> 00:22:52.380
Kathy Gruver: uh huh.

00:22:52.620 –> 00:23:12.810
Jason Mefford: You know, on on if you really want to do it and, again, so if you’re feeling a little bit lazy again start asking yourself, well, it is going to take some work it is going to take some effort is it worth the effort, because in and again if the pain, or whatever is not bad enough for you.

00:23:13.260 –> 00:23:15.690
Jason Mefford: yeah then you’re going to stay where you’re at.

00:23:15.900 –> 00:23:17.160
Jason Mefford: Absolutely okay.

00:23:17.520 –> 00:23:25.470
Jason Mefford: But be because i’ve seen this from so many people, they say they want to do things differently, but the pain isn’t bad enough yet.

00:23:25.470 –> 00:23:26.970
Jason Mefford: For them, that they’re not going to make the.

00:23:26.970 –> 00:23:28.080
Kathy Gruver: Change yep.

00:23:28.140 –> 00:23:34.080
Jason Mefford: But there’s gonna be some point when the pain of staying where you are.

00:23:34.710 –> 00:23:37.980
Jason Mefford: yep is more than the pain of changing.

00:23:38.550 –> 00:23:42.600
Jason Mefford: Right and when that happens go with it.

00:23:43.080 –> 00:23:43.620
Jason Mefford: Right make.

00:23:43.770 –> 00:23:52.860
Kathy Gruver: Absolutely yeah take that moment, and to something that you said is such a good point and I deal with all the time, with my clients, is how bad do you actually want that thing.

00:23:53.250 –> 00:24:01.770
Kathy Gruver: Because every session, you tell me, you want to stop eating cookies and every session, you tell me about more cookies so I have to question, do you actually want that.

00:24:02.040 –> 00:24:10.410
Kathy Gruver: You know is that a value for you is that what somebody else is telling you, because after six months if you’re not making any headway on doing that thing that you say you want.

00:24:11.310 –> 00:24:20.400
Kathy Gruver: Do you actually want it, you know, and I think so often we we say we want to do something and then we’re not taking action on it, maybe we actually don’t want to do it, maybe we did change our mind.

00:24:20.700 –> 00:24:30.990
Kathy Gruver: And we just don’t want to admit that maybe we’re embarrassed to say that we don’t want to do that thing anymore, so I think if you find yourself, you know that same thing every day gets moved to the next days to do list.

00:24:31.680 –> 00:24:34.620
Kathy Gruver: Maybe you don’t actually want to do it now, you have to question yourself on that.

00:24:35.610 –> 00:24:47.430
Jason Mefford: One i’m sure you see this, you know, in your hypnotherapy work that you do as well right there’s there’s people that come in, I mean the commitment is there, if you want the change.

00:24:48.210 –> 00:24:58.560
Jason Mefford: hypnotherapy will give you the chance, but if you come in and you say that you want the change, but you really don’t want the change then it’s not going to work for you.

00:24:59.010 –> 00:25:13.710
Jason Mefford: Right and so as an example, somebody that I know you know went in for two for two things right, I want to quit smoking and I want to lose weight, I totally understand that right, I mean Those are two of the biggest things that people use hypnotherapy for.

00:25:13.890 –> 00:25:14.670
Jason Mefford: right as well.

00:25:14.730 –> 00:25:22.530
Jason Mefford: Okay, so went in did did two sessions one session on quit smoking one session on losing weight.

00:25:24.150 –> 00:25:28.560
Jason Mefford: quit smoking boom done no problem.

00:25:30.600 –> 00:25:31.590
Jason Mefford: Losing weight.

00:25:33.210 –> 00:25:39.720
Jason Mefford: Not working so because the reason is right is this person had already decided.

00:25:41.070 –> 00:25:50.340
Jason Mefford: That they’re no longer a smoker and they’re just using hypnosis to confirm and program what they already know they want.

00:25:50.700 –> 00:26:03.630
Jason Mefford: Right now, for some reason the weight there’s some deeper identity issue that they have not let go of that they continue to, and they have not made the decision.

00:26:04.140 –> 00:26:12.780
Jason Mefford: To be someone you know, healthy and fit are some identities still attached to being overweight there’s a secondary gain to it.

00:26:13.410 –> 00:26:33.120
Jason Mefford: there’s an identity related things so, no matter how many you know hypnosis sessions this person would go to, no matter how much they try to do something, the way is not going to come off until they really want the weight to come off.

00:26:33.210 –> 00:26:35.550
Jason Mefford: yep i’m sure you’ve seen that, over and over again.

00:26:35.910 –> 00:26:46.590
Kathy Gruver: yep and, quite honestly, this is one of the reasons why I will not do weight loss hypnosis it is way too hard it’s yours it’s it, this is not, I mean it is a tough one.

00:26:47.580 –> 00:26:48.540
Jason Mefford: it’s also good so very.

00:26:48.720 –> 00:26:54.390
Jason Mefford: Good progress on that yeah and most people don’t don’t there’s some secondary gain.

00:26:54.540 –> 00:26:56.010
Jason Mefford: yep for being overweight.

00:26:56.310 –> 00:27:04.890
Kathy Gruver: yep or it has nothing to do with a way, it has to do with a comfort or i’m protecting myself or it’s not a sugar addiction it’s a comfort thing or it’s a.

00:27:05.130 –> 00:27:12.540
Kathy Gruver: When my dad had enough money he’d bring home cake, and now I look at sweets as a way to reassure me that everything’s Okay, I mean it’s such an issue.

00:27:12.870 –> 00:27:18.330
Kathy Gruver: i’ve had i’ve had a couple clients come for sugar addiction only to discover after about 15 minutes there’s nothing to do with sugar.

00:27:18.660 –> 00:27:24.900
Kathy Gruver: And that’s to do with all this other stuff it is so hard to unpack all that and you’re right, you have to be ready to do it.

00:27:25.530 –> 00:27:36.720
Kathy Gruver: Because you have gnosis is not magic you still have to take the steps i’m going to program you do not smoke, but then you go to a party and go i’m sure I can just have one, and you reach for the cigarette yeah.

00:27:37.680 –> 00:27:45.060
Kathy Gruver: Just doesn’t work so yeah cool we covered a lot of great stuff so we talked about it just being our brain all those different fears.

00:27:45.630 –> 00:27:50.460
Kathy Gruver: Being just plain stubborn having that secondary gain meaning you’re somehow getting a benefit from staying stuck.

00:27:50.820 –> 00:28:02.490
Kathy Gruver: Those outside forces which could be good or bad influences that just being a habit pouring ice tea into a pitcher versus a stupid and just being just plain lazy.

00:28:03.030 –> 00:28:11.610
Kathy Gruver: So, and we give you some good usable tips Those are the reasons, the big reasons why we tend to stay stuck and resistant to change, and this was great I love these two episodes.

00:28:12.750 –> 00:28:23.430
Jason Mefford: Great well yeah and so you know, take a takeaway for you again we get we gave you a lot of different tips and ways to get through it, you know, probably one of the first things is to have an honest conversation with yourself.

00:28:23.730 –> 00:28:24.060
Kathy Gruver: yep.

00:28:24.690 –> 00:28:25.980
Jason Mefford: Do you really want to change.

00:28:27.000 –> 00:28:34.410
Jason Mefford: And if you do we’ve given you some tips for exactly how you can do that if you don’t really want to change then don’t.

00:28:34.590 –> 00:28:35.370
Kathy Gruver: Which is fine.

00:28:35.580 –> 00:28:46.530
Jason Mefford: Which is fine just keep going, you know, keep doing what you’re doing at some point in the future, when you decide that you want to change then start implementing some of these things.

00:28:46.740 –> 00:28:48.630
Jason Mefford: yeah because I because again like.

00:28:49.260 –> 00:28:52.560
Jason Mefford: yeah because, again, unless you want the change.

00:28:53.640 –> 00:28:55.140
Jason Mefford: you’re not going to have the change.

00:28:55.260 –> 00:29:06.990
Jason Mefford: yeah and and so there’s going to be all these different things that we keep you know we’ve been talking about, you will find an excuse until you really want to change.

00:29:07.620 –> 00:29:22.410
Kathy Gruver: Absolutely yep I love it all right, everybody go out try something just a little bit different this week doesn’t have to be a huge thing just a little bit of change will help get you on the path to bigger changes, so I am Kathy gruver I can be reached at Kathy Griffin calm.

00:29:22.860 –> 00:29:33.120
Jason Mefford: i’m Jason method, I can be reached at Jason method calm so go out have a great rest of your week and we’ll catch you on the next episode of the fire and earth podcast see ya.

00:29:33.420 –> 00:29:33.900
See ya.

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