You may have heard us discuss the BE – DO – HAVE model before, but in this episode we go deeper into how you “BE” using characteristics or qualities, and ego states to change ourselves at the identity level.

Just like an actor preparing for a role, there are things we must do to learn how to incorporate those characteristics of the person we want to BE. Think of nouns and adjectives like: courageous, diligent, wise, bold, etc… to guide how you DO things. And then we have the ego states to consider.

Take a listen and we’ll explain everything in way more detail.

The Fire and Earth Podcast gives you practical advice and keys to unlocking your potential in life and business, hosted by Dr. Kathy Gruver and Jason Mefford. Real, raw and unscripted.


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Kathy Gruver: Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of the fire and earth podcast, I’m your co host Kathy Gruber.

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Jason Mefford: And I’m Jason Medford Welcome back everybody. Hey, today we thought we talked a little bit about identity and ego states.

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Jason Mefford: No. Yeah, because we’ve we’ve, you know, for some of you that have heard before, you know the the whole model of be do have versus have to be right.

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Jason Mefford: So we want to start off, be in a certain way and that kind of gets back to our identity level.

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Jason Mefford: And also, as we’ve talked before about. So this is where some of the egos state stuff that we’ve talked about shows in at this point too, right, because

00:00:46.410 –> 00:00:54.750
Jason Mefford: When we are doing certain things different egos states or personalities kind of kind of show up.

00:00:55.350 –> 00:01:03.570
Jason Mefford: And for me, one of the bigger AHA that I had this last week was in thinking about the being, and trying to focus on particular words.

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Jason Mefford: How would that person be in using, you know, adjectives and other things like they would be courageous. Okay. So if I’m going to do something I should do it courageously

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Jason Mefford: I should be diligent, I should be, you know, conscientious, I should be kind, or whatever the words happen to be

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Jason Mefford: But start thinking about some of those words and this again whole identity thing because if you want to make change at the top. You got to really change your identity to end up having that stuff come out. Yeah.

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Kathy Gruver: Absolutely. And just as a quick review for people that have not seen the ego said episode either when I talked about it with the cards or when Mike Mandela was talking about it.

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Kathy Gruver: We have anywhere between five and 15 ego states that sort of take over on a daily basis. We can have up to 50 but oftentimes they’re just sitting in the back of the bus. You don’t even know they’re there.

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Kathy Gruver: So those five to 15 ego states we can switch those that will or they switch automatically. So if you start to talk to me about the cat.

00:02:03.720 –> 00:02:10.590
Kathy Gruver: Or with my boyfriend. I are like playing roughhousing you know it’s gonna be that little kid thing or if you’re around kids sometimes that can trigger that little kid in you.

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Kathy Gruver: So we have all these personality type, all these little archetypes inside ourselves that can come out and be quote executive is what we call them. So who do you want to be.

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Kathy Gruver: And I think I love this conversation because, you know, I used to be an actor, and I would get the script and I would read the description of the character and then I would have to

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Kathy Gruver: Spend the next three hours in that play as that character. Well, what is that character going to do, how are they going to react, even if I’m not saying lines.

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Kathy Gruver: And I remember there was one show I did call but not goodbye where I sat on stage in the background while other conversations happen. There was the living room scene, but I sat on the stage.

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Kathy Gruver: I had to be in character, and I had an old Sears catalog and I was a librarian in the show and I figured out how much money.

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Kathy Gruver: As a librarian and I added that all up and I did all the math and I was flipping through this 1908 which was the year the play was supposed to take place Sears catalog.

00:03:05.490 –> 00:03:12.570
Kathy Gruver: Planning. What I wanted to buy and how long I would have to, you know, and it’s like I got so into that character that even though I wasn’t

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Kathy Gruver: Quote in the scene. I was still there. And if you looked at me at any point, I was still being that character. So what were her characteristics. What were her qualities

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Kathy Gruver: Or if it’s somebody in my life. Like, I want to be like

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Kathy Gruver: I look to those other speakers, I look to the Bernie browns and, you know, I want to know what characteristics. What qualities do they have

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Kathy Gruver: That I can imbue myself with to have that level of success. You don’t want to mimic them and you don’t want to make every single choice they did.

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Kathy Gruver: But what are those character characteristics. Maybe I want my Wonder Woman character to come out. Maybe I want my Snow White to come out maybe

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Kathy Gruver: What are you tapping into inside yourself that you have and you can bring to executive to be more like that person so that when you’re doing things you can have that success. Yeah.

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Jason Mefford: Yeah, because again it’s it’s about, you know, doing those things with those characteristics to right. And so again, whether it’s a

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Jason Mefford: You know, like we talked before about hey if I’m, you know, for if we’re up giving a speech. Well, we don’t want you know the the Star Wars nerd.

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Jason Mefford: You know, ego to come out, or we don’t want the library and ego or, you know, the little boy, you know, scared little boy he go to come out. I need to have Rockstar come out right because I’m

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Jason Mefford: Up there entertaining motivating you know helping people transform that that rock star entertainer energy has to come out and has to be present. Right.

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Jason Mefford: Now again, as I’m doing that, you know, just like you said with with acting, you have to sit there and think, well, how would that person show up, what would they be doing or how would they be doing it right. And so we can take the music example. Right. I mean, you can go to

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Jason Mefford: Remember here. Here’s an old story. It was a Gene Simmons from kiss. Okay. I remember hearing him on an interview, one time and he was talking about, you know,

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Jason Mefford: Him and I can’t remember if Paul and him were friends at the time, or whatever. But they some of his friends they saved up a bunch of money and they went to a concert in Madison Square Garden.

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Jason Mefford: And they got there, and it was just a guy sitting on a pillow playing the guitar just him playing the guitar on the pillow and it was Donovan. So I mean it’s like big, big name person right but they walked away from that going

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Jason Mefford: That was not really a concert, the guy. The guy was amazing. But that wasn’t entertainment. That wasn’t what they wanted to bring right so when kiss started you know

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Jason Mefford: Whole reasons, a lot of different reasons. You know, but they started doing the painting of their face and spitting blood and fire and doing all these different things.

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Jason Mefford: In their concerts, too, because they wanted it to be more entertaining. So if they wanted it to be that way. They had to be more entertaining. They had to be more controversial. They had to do some things different.

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Jason Mefford: If they if they wanted to kind of have that outcome.

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Jason Mefford: And so they kind of became this alter ego, if you will, how they acted on stage.

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Jason Mefford: And again, it’s, you know, kisses got some great songs there. They’re not the most musically talented or complex but diehard kiss fans.

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Jason Mefford: Are diehard kiss fans and it’s because of that entertainment.

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Jason Mefford: Factor. So again, right, if I’m, if I’m sitting there and I’m going to go out on stage, you know, you might have to look at it and say, Well, do I want to be like a donovan kind of a thing, or do I want to be like kiss. Yeah. Well, either one of them is OK.

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Jason Mefford: But I would look at the qualities or characteristics of both of those, and then try to incorporate that into making myself be that kind of entertainer to provide that kind of entertainment experience that I want to provide for people

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Kathy Gruver: Absolutely and that’s a great point. You know, they put that makeup on and they became these other people know their Gene Simmons, but it’s a different ego state of him. And it’s interesting because I always I’m

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Kathy Gruver: 90% of the time when I speak. I’m going to dress 100% of the time when I speak I’m in heels.

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Kathy Gruver: I am very comfortable in heels heels are my power thing. I walked different I carry myself different I feel in control and fabulous when I’m in heels. I go, the magic castle. I’m in heels. I feel sexy. I feel this is what heals do to me.

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Kathy Gruver: I did a conference in Florida called beach printers. It was a phenomenal experience. Well, we’re all casual. We’re all in beachwear so I did my talk in bare feet.

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Kathy Gruver: It fucked me up. I’m standing there and you know I was in a casual dress. I was in bare feet and literally it felt so weird for me to deliver my normal talk without PowerPoint. Also, which was like the Capricorn and means going no

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Kathy Gruver: Not for no one except I use it for jokes and things like that.

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Kathy Gruver: And as I was in bare feet. And I have to say. It took me about

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Kathy Gruver: 15 minutes to get into because I didn’t know who I was, because that trigger that touch point of I’m onstage in heels in a nice dress and then have that

00:08:27.780 –> 00:08:37.980
Kathy Gruver: That trigger to switch that ego state. So it was a really interesting experience. So for me, it’s like it’s the outfit actually can make me switch state music. Absolutely. So when I was going for my tax audit.

00:08:39.240 –> 00:08:47.280
Kathy Gruver: God never happened again. I wanted to be very direct. I wanted to be very strong. I want you a bit going to the IRS is not when you show up going

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Kathy Gruver: Really sorry I mean that was a choice. I could have made it was a very cute guy who did the audit. Maybe it would have helped I did mess up on my shirt.

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Jason Mefford: Oh, whoops.

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Kathy Gruver: I dropped my pen, but it’s like I wanted to show up as hard ass businesswoman Kathy so, I fucking blared Nine Inch Nails in the car.

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Kathy Gruver: And by the time I got out of the car and showed up for that audit. I was strong. I was focused. I was ready to, you know, this very

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Kathy Gruver: Person, as opposed to where I put that money. You know, I couldn’t bring forward the week ego state at that point.

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Kathy Gruver: So there’s so many sometimes movies switching into different states like I will walk away from a movie feeling empowered or feeling a certain way, watching certain actors do things.

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Kathy Gruver: So we have all these great tools of how you can you know how you can switch states and get to that place that you want to be.

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Jason Mefford: Yeah well and that that goes back to a term we’ve used before anchoring

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Jason Mefford: Right. So again, when you when you put on the dress. When you put on the heels. You’re anchoring kind of having that badass speaker Cathy show up by doing it. And that’s why when you were in bare feet in a casual dress.

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Jason Mefford: It was harder because you’d anchored that ego state to come out by kind of some of the again these habits or

00:10:05.550 –> 00:10:14.640
Jason Mefford: Anchors and things that we’re doing to try to make sure that those things show up, you know. And so again, you know, you’ve got to think about. Who do you want to be.

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Jason Mefford: And what are kind of those characteristics of have how you need to do things. And so what can you do to prepare yourself and get yourself into that ego state or into believing and feeling that identity underneath. Yeah, yeah.

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Kathy Gruver: It was, it was really fascinating. I took a pole dancing class. A couple weeks ago and

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Kathy Gruver: I always wanted to and I knew it’d be right in my wheelhouse. I’ve been dancing forever. I got the trapeze stuff. I don’t have a problem being

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Kathy Gruver: Sexy and free. So to me it was like, oh, no big deal. I’m going to do a pole dancing class. Well, I was with 22 other women who aren’t necessarily like that.

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Kathy Gruver: And it was this like body positive body awareness thing. And there were some bigger women there or women who described themselves as Tom boys who don’t have that kind of confidence.

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Kathy Gruver: To be in their body and be sexy and the owner of the studio. If you didn’t already have your own shoes gave us all five inch platform.

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Kathy Gruver: Of the basically the slowest shoes you would ever say, and it was so fascinating because I watched these women put these shoes on.

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Kathy Gruver: And it transformed them because even for me who’s very comfortable Neil’s and I just click clock around like normal didn’t really bother me.

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Kathy Gruver: But it does it up your confidence you looked in the mirror and went on a different person.

00:11:27.510 –> 00:11:34.230
Kathy Gruver: And I could see these women transform into this completely different character when the music came on and they’re spinning around this pole and

00:11:34.590 –> 00:11:41.250
Kathy Gruver: It was such an interesting experience for me as an observer, because it didn’t shift me much because I’m comfortable and that’s one of my normal ones anyway.

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Kathy Gruver: But to watch these women who aren’t in that stage shift that state. It was really fascinating to me.

00:11:46.320 –> 00:11:51.330
Kathy Gruver: And and we talked about this before we got on. It was the you know the WWE JD bracelets. What would Jesus do

00:11:51.600 –> 00:12:07.800
Kathy Gruver: That means you want to emulate him as a teacher, as a wise person as a master SO SURE ASK THAT QUESTION. What would Jesus do or what would Jesus be or how would you react or not Jesus, whoever you know how would wonder woman react in that situation, how would you know

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Kathy Gruver: react to that situation. You know, it’s like

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Jason Mefford: Whoever that ideal person is that you’re trying to be more like yeah right and

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Jason Mefford: So again,

00:12:18.090 –> 00:12:29.550
Jason Mefford: The traits of that person. Yeah, not, not to be them not to copy them, but to to exude that, that those same characteristics that you want to have as well.

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Jason Mefford: And, you know, again, all these different anchoring things. I mean, as we’re as the more we’re talking about this. Hopefully everybody can kind of see this you know that it shows you’re listening to this.

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Jason Mefford: I mean, one of the other people that I greatly admire is Mr. Rogers okay and and what did Fred Rogers do every single episode. He walked through the front door while he was singing the song.

00:12:53.970 –> 00:13:17.430
Jason Mefford: He goes over. He takes off his suit jacket, he puts on a sweater. He goes over and sits down. He takes off his loafers and he puts on sneakers. Okay, so, so again in that short time period right he’s anchoring Fred Rogers is becoming Mr. Rogers.

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Jason Mefford: By the anchoring, and those things that he’s doing and and that’s how he did the show at the end of the show, when the show was over.

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Jason Mefford: He did you know did the opposite right but on the shoes got his suit jacket. Instead, and walked out the door and so again we can think of this, you know, in the same way with us and and entertainment acting everything else. It’s, you know, when you are playing a part

00:13:48.270 –> 00:13:49.890
Jason Mefford: You get into costume.

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Jason Mefford: So sometimes the anchor and just like you said, with the women, putting on the shoes that was getting them into costume.

00:13:59.790 –> 00:14:08.040
Jason Mefford: To play the role. So there’s lots of little things like that. So again, if you’re thinking, Well, I don’t know how to be this or whatever. Well, again, sit back, think about

00:14:08.610 –> 00:14:17.640
Jason Mefford: You know, what are some of the people that you would like to be more like or exhibit their characteristics and kind of the way that they do things.

00:14:18.150 –> 00:14:24.540
Jason Mefford: And then start doing things for yourself whether that’s listening to music literally putting on a costume.

00:14:24.900 –> 00:14:39.210
Jason Mefford: You know, visualizing certain things, you know, doing some of the easy, you know, awesome anchoring and other stuff that we’ve done before to get that ego state out front center that needs to be there while you’re performing

00:14:39.570 –> 00:14:53.160
Kathy Gruver: Absolutely. And it’s so interesting cuz I know a lot of people who are watching or listening are solo printers. They’re entrepreneurs, they work from home. Maybe the writers. Maybe you’re a speaker. Maybe you’re I have found that if I get up and try to work in my robe.

00:14:54.510 –> 00:14:59.550
Kathy Gruver: I am so much less productive. And so one of the tips that a friend of mine had because he worked from home.

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Kathy Gruver: Is he would get up in the morning. He’d have his breakfast you play with the cat. He would get dressed for work, he would leave his front door you walk around the block.

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Kathy Gruver: Just like Mr. Rogers, he arrived back at his front door, and there he was at work.

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Kathy Gruver: He would work for the six hours, however long he worked. He would leave the house, he would walk around the block, you know, I’m back at home. It was home he had to have that shift.

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Kathy Gruver: From leaving the leaving the office or he found that he would get so distracted with how stuff you’ve never start

00:15:25.950 –> 00:15:32.940
Kathy Gruver: Or you would get so obsessed with work stuff. He’d never finished. Then he realized he had to put those boundaries on that. So getting dressed for work.

00:15:33.540 –> 00:15:46.890
Kathy Gruver: I am. I’m not going to sit here in the robe, and do you know I realized do speaking proposals I can really answer emails and stuff like that. But if I need to work as a professional speaker Kathy. I can’t do it sitting in my robe. It just, it has a different field for me.

00:15:47.970 –> 00:15:52.380
Kathy Gruver: doesn’t bring up my creativity, you know, and my that that drive that I know I need to have

00:15:52.620 –> 00:16:02.250
Kathy Gruver: So maybe that’s something that you can do to is put on your workloads put on a nice pair of shirt and a nice pair of pants and do your work that way and see if that doesn’t shift the ego state for you. Yeah.

00:16:03.030 –> 00:16:07.890
Jason Mefford: Yeah, cuz. And again, you know, we’ve we’ve thrown out lots of different kinds of examples of things you can do.

00:16:08.400 –> 00:16:26.610
Jason Mefford: You’d never going to know if it works, unless you actually try it. Okay. And again, for everybody. It’s going to be a little different. I do work from home in a more casual way but I put on my watch every day. Right. I don’t I don’t necessarily need that, you know, I use my nicer pins.

00:16:27.390 –> 00:16:36.840
Jason Mefford: You know, again, so there’s there’s a few things like that that again even though maybe my attire, because I’m in California. I can wear a t shirt, if I want to write

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Kathy Gruver: Pajamas no

00:16:39.480 –> 00:16:45.690
Jason Mefford: No, I’m not in pajamas, you know, but but but having even some of those other things, those things work for me.

00:16:46.110 –> 00:17:00.030
Jason Mefford: Because again, you know, when you put on your watch in the morning, are you, you know, put on whatever it is it’s again, kind of anchoring you into. Okay, it’s time for business. Jason to show up right so

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Kathy Gruver: Cool.

00:17:04.230 –> 00:17:05.340
Jason Mefford: So we got for this time.

00:17:08.430 –> 00:17:14.070
Kathy Gruver: Yeah, I think we’re complete on that. Yeah, we can keep beating at home, but I think everyone’s okay we got it. Yeah, we got

00:17:14.100 –> 00:17:22.080
Jason Mefford: Yeah, we’ll just we’ll just read talk about this again and two or three episodes. Right. Everybody’s forgotten. We’re gonna say the same stuff up to you over and over again but

00:17:22.140 –> 00:17:23.640
Kathy Gruver: Yeah, well it’s important stuff.

00:17:23.970 –> 00:17:30.930
Jason Mefford: It’s important stuff. And again, we hearing something multiple times, you get something different, out of it.

00:17:31.470 –> 00:17:48.270
Jason Mefford: Every time. Yeah, and you know, I’ve seen that with myself. I’ve heard some stuff probably 100 times, but that hundred and first time it’s like, oh, right. The light bulb goes off and now I understand it different than I did before so

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Kathy Gruver: Well, it’s different. Timing is, you know, maybe you’re in a different egos date.

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Jason Mefford: I can hear it down maybe

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Jason Mefford: Getting deep getting met on I’m here.

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Kathy Gruver: Sleepy Cathy’s coming to executive

00:18:02.790 –> 00:18:03.060

00:18:06.060 –> 00:18:08.910
Jason Mefford: All right, with that then we probably should sign off.

00:18:09.000 –> 00:18:11.190
Kathy Gruver: Let’s sign off. Good job, you sign up for

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Jason Mefford: Well, I’m Jason effort. I can be reached at Jason method calm.

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Kathy Gruver: And I’m Catholic River. I can be reached at Kathy Griffin calm. So go forth, enjoy your day pick what state you want to find a way to get into the state that’s going to be the most optimal for you and we’ll catch you on a future episode of the foreigner podcast.

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See ya.

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