As humans we are all in relationships … and honestly some are better than others. Some are easy and others take a lot of work. One common theme behind that quality of your relationship is the relationship you have with yourself.
In this #fireandearthpodcast episode we dig into how improving #self-care, self-love can actually be a huge driver into the quality of our other #relationships.
Listen in at: http://www.jasonmefford.com/fireandearthpodcast/
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kathygruver: Hey everybody, welcome back to the fire and earth podcast, I’m your co host Kathy, Grover.
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Jason Mefford: And I’m Jason Medford
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Jason Mefford: And we’re just going to leave it there for today’s episode.
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Jason Mefford: Thanks for
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Jason Mefford: Thanks for tuning in. We’ll see you next time bye, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh know of course we’re not going to do that. No, we
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Jason Mefford: You know, before we, before we start recording. We always start talking about stuff and the and the whole idea of relationships has kind of come up and around
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Jason Mefford: You know, self care self love as well. And so we’ll see kind of where this goes. But, you know, as I’ve kind of been looking. We were talking a lot of relationship.
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Jason Mefford: Problems come from self love issues as well, right, that a lot of times, you know, and again, you’ve probably heard the world mirrors, you
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Jason Mefford: And so if you’re dealing with relationship issues. It’s probably your even having a relationship issue with yourself.
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Jason Mefford: That is mirroring itself into your relationships with other people. So you know so much of our heartache and and was come back to us, not really loving ourselves as much as we should. And I know even for me that’s smacked me good, the last few weeks.
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Jason Mefford: So we thought we we talked a little bit more about some of this and where it kind of goes so yeah
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kathygruver: Absolutely, and I was again before we go on air. I was talking to Jason about my coaching and how I didn’t set out to be a relationship coach, but suddenly three of the clients that have just come to me are dealing with relationship issues.
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kathygruver: And it’s interesting because
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kathygruver: When I’ve talked with clients about relationships. There’s like a third that totally blames the partner.
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Jason Mefford: There’s a third that totally blame themselves. I will horrible person. I don’t deserve look and there’s a third that kind of puts their sleeves over their hands and goes, I don’t know. You know, so it’s this, this, you know,
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kathygruver: It can’t be all the other person’s fault. There have to take responsibility for how you’re contributing to that, whether it’s how you’re responding or reacting, whether it’s how you’re communicating
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kathygruver: I’m a huge fan of horrible Hendricks his book, getting the love you want it should be on every shelf. I hate the word should, but shouldn’t be on every shelf of anybody that has been will be, or is, in a relationship.
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kathygruver: Amazing exercises some amazing insight and one of the things he says, which I sort of went is every criticism, your partner has of you probably hasn’t negative truth into it.
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kathygruver: And I went, oh crap. You know, so if you can take away the whether it’s the sarcasm or the abuse verbal abuse aspect of it or the uptake.
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kathygruver: That delivery away and distill it down to that nugget. There’s probably a nugget of truth there so we can actually learn from what our partner is telling us or yelling at us. So taking a look at ourselves to tell you’re yelling
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kathygruver: Yelling telling you, and you’re just coined that phrase. So taking a look at sort of jumping into the middle of this, but taking a look at what they’re saying to and about you and seeing asking what is true in that what is true that that I can improve myself and make better
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Jason Mefford: Well, and even, you know, again, because, like we said, a lot, a lot of those probably criticisms that your partner or the other person that relationship may be seeing
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Jason Mefford: You know are going on within you. They are going on within you and then they’re getting reflected out and, you know, again, kind of a smack in the face to me was, you know, stopping and actually listening to the words that were saying about ourself.
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Jason Mefford: Okay, now I’ve always been one to
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Jason Mefford: To use some self deprecating humor, right, because I figure it’s it’s
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Jason Mefford: It’s a nicer, you know, because you’re not targeting someone I, you know, sometimes the comedians that just really roast somebody and just get in on him. It’s like
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Jason Mefford: To me, that’s almost like mean man you’re being an asshole quit that, you know, kind of thing some people really get on that. I don’t as much. So I tend to sometimes do some self deprecating humor.
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Jason Mefford: But the problem is even that self deprecating humor, there’s truth to every joke right and so again if I if I’m saying some of those things, even if it’s meant to be funny. How many of those things do I actually believe right or when someone gives you a compliment.
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Jason Mefford: Do you discount the compliment. Do you denigrate yourself slightly in the way that you respond
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Jason Mefford: You know as well that is we start kind of looking and thinking about this, you know, again, a lot of our relationship issues are probably caused by relationship issues with our self first
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kathygruver: Well, and also so much really does come from, how things are modeled at our relationships from our parents.
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kathygruver: Because when we’re a little kid, and we start to see that independence. So we jump off our mom’s lap and we head into the other room, we kind of look back to see what they’re going to do.
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kathygruver: The smartest thing a parent can do is to say, yeah, go, go check that out. Have fun. I’m going to be right here, when you get back
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kathygruver: That develops a really strong sense of security that developed a strong sense of independence. That’s great. Typically, that doesn’t happen. It’s either one of two things.
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kathygruver: Either your parents totally gone and you can do whatever you want and then you don’t get that attachment
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kathygruver: Or your parents like Oh, be careful. Don’t go in the ocean. We have, you know, I watched a friend of ours.
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kathygruver: With our kid at the beach and anytime the wave at Santa Barbara. We don’t get big waves. You’re not gonna be swept away little loop up on the up on the beach and then
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kathygruver: You’re going to get wacko. Be careful. Are you okay, you know, and they were so over protective and now I’ve seen these kids grow up and I go, I watch that form. I mean there’s just
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kathygruver: So much
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kathygruver: Dysfunction in relationship because of that overbearing paranoid nervous. So the develop these attachment thing. So are you need for attention. Or are you like
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kathygruver: Leave me alone. I’m going to be reading my book, you know, you can watch this kind of happen and how your parents treated you growing up.
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kathygruver: The other thing that I found fascinating that that horrible Hendrix just said was, when we’re babies every need is filled from the outside.
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kathygruver: We cry. Somebody figures it out. They make a face at us. We laugh, we scream, they have to get that need met. And so, as an adult, we still have that part of our brain that goes
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kathygruver: And we expect somebody outside of ourselves to fill every need. We have
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kathygruver: Because that’s that baby part of our brain that’s like ice cream, you better figure it out.
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kathygruver: And you can see that I said that my own behavior like I’m feeling poop you who can make me laugh. Today, you know, rather than finding a way to self soothe and fill those needs in ourselves, we tend to look outside for us.
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Jason Mefford: Well, and that’s that’s why the relationship issues are so hard for us to deal with right because, again, if we’re
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Jason Mefford: If we’re always looking outside for that validation
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Jason Mefford: Right so so mommy needs to tell me that I’m a good boy, you know, you know, so that I feel proud of that or you know the the job that I have the title that I have the whatever that I did.
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Jason Mefford: provides me with that external validation that I am important I am loved if we’re always relying on that external validation, the minute it goes away.
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Jason Mefford: We’re fucked. Right. And so again, that’s why your relationship with yourself. The self love the self care that we’ve talked a lot about
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Jason Mefford: Is so important because what it should be as regardless of what’s going on in our external world. We’re still taking care of ourself internally.
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Jason Mefford: And if we’re not doing that if we’re not, you know, being kind to ourselves, you know, one of the, one of the questions in coaching, you know that comes up a lot of times when you’re coaching, somebody is
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Jason Mefford: People will talk, then they’ll say something about themselves. Right. And so you kind of turn it around and you go
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Jason Mefford: Okay, what I just heard you say was this right now, I want you to think of a child, you know, maybe your child, maybe a niece and nephew somebody that you love. Would you say that same thing to that child that you just said.
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Jason Mefford: And of course, people are like, hold. No, I would never say that to another human being. Right. And then it’s like, why are you saying that to yourself. Yeah.
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Jason Mefford: Why are you saying that to the most important person in your life right and we’re not we’re not talking about being egomaniacal men equal magical, you know,
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Jason Mefford: Psychotic kind of personality, but if if we don’t know how to soothe ourselves and and derive our self worth from internal yep AND BEING WHO WE ARE authentically, then we’re never going to find it outside. Right.
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kathygruver: Oh, absolutely. We have to. And you and I talked about this is all
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kathygruver: About finding the right partner. It’s being the right partner.
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kathygruver: And you know the whole. What was the Jerry Maguire thing. Have You complete me
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kathygruver: I’m so torn about that because no one can complete you however with what I know about child development and how we look to partners to fill what our parents didn’t give us in a way we feel like they are completing us
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kathygruver: They’re giving us that piece that our parents didn’t give us or
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kathygruver: They’re exactly mirroring what our parents gave us because we still are working out that bullshit drama, you know, my mother was never around. So now I have a boyfriend who’s distance, you know, that kind of stuff.
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kathygruver: My dad was abusive alcoholic. I don’t know why I keep finding abusive alcoholic men.
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kathygruver: I do you know
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kathygruver: And it’s so much easier to, you know, to look at other people’s relationships to God’s messed up. But we have so much trouble. Looking at our own stuff because you know you can’t see the ones that you can’t see the smiles on your own face or something like that.
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kathygruver: But yeah, it’s about figuring out who you are and going back to pretty much everything we’ve said in every episode. What do you want
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kathygruver: From yourself. What do you want from yourself and how do you get that. Do you meditate. Do you
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kathygruver: Do affirmations. Do you ask other people, the good qualities of you so that you can magnify that out. There’s so many different exercises you can do to help fill those voids inside yourself because if we’re looking to the outside to fill it it’s it’s not going to work that way.
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Jason Mefford: Well, I’m because you brought up the point about, you know, people in their relationships because I’ve seen this, you know, relationship breakup. Right.
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Jason Mefford: And so people go back to being single. Right, whether it’s divorce or boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever it happens to be right, you get out of a relationship, a close personal relationship with someone
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Jason Mefford: And we no longer feel complete. We feel like you know I in You see this so much of the time I see it and other people. I saw it in myself actually after I got divorced, you know, as well, is that
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Jason Mefford: You know, a lot of times to sit there and go, oh, woe is me, will anyone else ever love me. Will I be able to find someone that loves me.
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Jason Mefford: I want I want
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Jason Mefford: I want to kind, loving partner right and you hear people saying these things, you know, and I’m so sad because I’m alone. And I just want to kind, loving partner. It’s like, listen to yourself.
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Jason Mefford: If you want a kind, loving partner, then you need to be a kind, loving person who a kind, loving partner would be drawn to right because so much of the time it’s it’s this self loathing woe is me.
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Jason Mefford: That makes you miserable and sad to be around, you suck the energy away from everybody else.
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Jason Mefford: So, guess what, if you’re in that state, you’re not going to attract a kind, loving partner because they’re going to want to get the hell away from you. You’re like, leave me alone, you’re, you’re, you know,
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kathygruver: Right. Absolutely. Absolutely. And it’s so funny when I was growing up in Pittsburgh. We used to go to the mall and walk around the mall because there was nothing else to do.
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kathygruver: So we would weigh out troll those troll. Troll around was up in the food core and we’d like look at clothes and never really buy anything but we look for boys. Basically what we’re doing.
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Jason Mefford: I was
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kathygruver: Always Boy crazy when I was a kid. So my girlfriend and I would go and we’re walking around the mall and I, you know,
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kathygruver: beautiful girl. Big smile. Gorgeous long hair she’s she was gorgeous but anytime guys would stop and talk to us. They totally ignored her and they all put their attention on me.
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kathygruver: Know, of course, her view of that was prettier than me. You knew which I don’t think I was
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kathygruver: But the reason was, I was confident and I was smiling and I was friendly and I was open and she’d stand like this.
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kathygruver: Assuming no one wanted to talk to her. Well, if you present yourself like that, of course, no one wants to talk to you. She didn’t look approachable. She didn’t look friendly friendly. She didn’t look
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kathygruver: Like they were going to have a good time talking to her, and she never got that. But isn’t the outside or I could step back and go, Well, do you miserable like
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kathygruver: You know, so it is projecting that and again you don’t, don’t be this egomaniac like the best thing ever.
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kathygruver: But you want to present yourself like you’re friendly and that you love yourself because people are attracted to that people are attracted to that that
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kathygruver: Feeling of wholeness that you present. And if you look like you’re looking for someone to fill every need, that’s only going to attract someone who
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kathygruver: Probably has the same wounds and is also just as needy and I don’t wanna say just functional because we’re not all dysfunction know maybe we are all
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kathygruver: Actually recently reframe everything that but you’re not going to attract the partner you want if you go into it, looking for someone to fill all these needs doesn’t work that way.
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Jason Mefford: Well, and I saw it for myself and I’ve seen it in other people as well is that, you know, when you finally get over your pity party bullshit.
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Jason Mefford: And and you actually say, Okay, you know, if I want to kind, loving part, I’m just, I’m just using this as an example. Right.
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Jason Mefford: If you want to kind and loving partner then start becoming a kind and loving person. And the minute that that you start doing that and you start changing yourself on the inside.
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Jason Mefford: Then that confidence comes your vibration and frequency goes up, right, people are attracted to you because like you said, you know,
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Jason Mefford: There’s a great line in the movie or a in a song. It was something. I’m going to give it a little bit wrong. But, you know, you’d be so much prettier. If you smiled.
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Jason Mefford: Okay. And, you know, again, it’s you can be the most gorgeous person in the world. But if you’re kind of miserable to be around, you’re not smile and your whatever
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Jason Mefford: No matter what is going on, physically, people are not going to be attracted to you as much as if you’re confident. If you’re loving if you’re outgoing if you’re interesting right
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Jason Mefford: It’s it’s those kind of things that actually attract or draw people to you. And so the more you can be that the more you will attract people right
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kathygruver: Absolutely. And we do attract people to help us finish playing out those dramas, like I said, of what our parents did or previous relationships, you know, we tend to keep getting in a relationship with the same basic person over and over and over again. And it’s either our mother or father
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kathygruver: Because it helps that little kid nos go well I’m going to finish playing out that drama and that’s just sort of what we do.
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kathygruver: Once you’re in that relationship that only works for so long. Typically before somebody gets unhappy somebody starts to wander somebody
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kathygruver: So then at that point. If you find ways and you find exercises and you find things that can strengthen that relationship. So you’re both getting your needs met, then you can actually form that into a really long term loving healthy relationship and not just there.
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kathygruver: Temporarily to help you fix the BS from your parents know that it takes work relationships or relationships or work and people who like I just want a relationship that’s easy. I don’t know what that looks. I mean, I’m in a relationship right now is easiest that’s ever been ever
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kathygruver: But we still both work on our communication. We have a list of bylaws. It started out to be a joke, which we ended up
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kathygruver: Why would you not do I had made a joke. One day about out read the bylaws these like I’ve never seen these bylaws. And so we actually sat down and wrote bylaws, because why wouldn’t you
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kathygruver: You know, we want to know where we stand with each other. And we’re constantly working on communication and carving out time and, you know, we work at it.
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kathygruver: In an easier way than I have in previous relationships, but it still takes effort. You can’t just float along in a river, and I think that’s a relationship.
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Jason Mefford: Yeah relationships to take work right.
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Jason Mefford: But yeah, and it’s, it’s, you know,
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Jason Mefford: Most people have some relationships issues, right, like you said, it’s I’m in an easy relationship right now to you know and i and i think
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Jason Mefford: Part of that is because we’re both easy
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Jason Mefford: Right and and we kind of know and respect the other person.
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Jason Mefford: And we don’t we don’t have written bylaws, but there’s kind of a
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Jason Mefford: separation of duties, if you will, right, that I’m primarily responsible for certain things and alleys primarily responsible for other things and and we kind of have our own space and we give each other space.
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Jason Mefford: You know we communicate, you know, as well. But, you know, ultimately, and I think it’s, it’s this way and in any relationship, you have to be confident in yourself and taking care of yourself. You can I can’t make someone else be happy.
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Jason Mefford: You know I can do things to show love to try to, you know, encourage some of those things. But if that person doesn’t feel that love for themselves.
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Jason Mefford: Right, we have to eat for ourself.
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Jason Mefford: Is, you know, as well. One of the ways I’ve heard it, you know, described. And so, you know, for a relationship to
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Jason Mefford: Kind of, you know, develop evolve move forward. Both of the people have to be communicating have to be evolving have to be doing what
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Jason Mefford: Each of them individually needs.
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Jason Mefford: To do.
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Jason Mefford: In order for the relationship to continue to move forward. Right, and that’s where a lot of times relationships have have issues is
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Jason Mefford: One partner may be kind of moving forward transitioning maybe have changed their mind or have some different views than they did at the beginning and the other person either doesn’t want to change or doesn’t want to accept those changes in their partner.
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Jason Mefford: And that’s usually what ends up you know i know that was the case for me with my first marriage.
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Jason Mefford: I, you know, and again, it was, it was so hard for my ex wife to understand why you know when we got married in our early 20s, that how come in my 40s. I would change my mind about certain things.
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Jason Mefford: You know, it’s like
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Jason Mefford: Jason. I know, I know. You know, it’s like, well, I’ve, I’ve never liked broccoli.
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Jason Mefford: Okay. As a kid I didn’t like broccoli, I’ll eat it sometimes now because I know it’s healthy but it but it’s as silly as that right if I hated broccoli as a kid.
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kathygruver: You should hate it now.
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Jason Mefford: And then if I become an adult and I like broccoli. I just changed my mind. What’s the big deal right but people people evolve and change. And so relationships evolve and change over time as well.
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Jason Mefford: Sure. And in, you know, at least for me, most of the relationship issues that I see people having. That’s one of the big things behind it, too. Yeah.
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kathygruver: Yeah, exactly. And you know I am all for relationship coaching or couples counseling or whatever you want to call it, and I see so many couples were in this typically
00:21:08.580 –> 00:21:17.250
kathygruver: Typically, the wife is like a we’re having issues. I’m unhappy. We should go to counseling. And the guy says, yeah, you go, I don’t have the problem.
00:21:19.410 –> 00:21:31.770
kathygruver: I see this so many times. And it’s like, Okay, you both have to participate in us and I had given one of my coaches and exercise to do with her boyfriend and I said, Look, you guys both have to do this.
00:21:33.390 –> 00:21:43.050
kathygruver: If he’s not up for doing this really simple exercise. It’s going to strengthen your relationship so me one that’s an indicator that maybe he’s not as into it as you think he you know
00:21:43.980 –> 00:21:54.060
kathygruver: Presenting such an easy exercise that will actually make him happier he should I believe he would be willing to jump at that opportunity if you value taking care of that relationship.
00:21:55.590 –> 00:21:59.880
kathygruver: But so often. I see. And again, it’s typically the guy that’s like, yeah, you go to the therapist. I’m fine.
00:22:00.240 –> 00:22:06.480
kathygruver: Because they don’t want to look at their own stuff. Looking at our own stuff is horrible. It’s scary. And it’s shitty and it’s
00:22:06.660 –> 00:22:17.250
kathygruver: Ugly and smells bad. And I mean, it’s like, of course, we don’t want to hold up that mirror and actually look at what we need to fix because it takes a lot of work. It can be very frightening for people and
00:22:18.210 –> 00:22:24.210
kathygruver: To me is like, Well, why would you not want to fix that, you know, it’s like I love as much as I hate looking at all that stuff. I kind of like it.
00:22:24.570 –> 00:22:31.440
kathygruver: Because then you get it out, you know, and you can fix it. It’s flicking the light on the middle of the night and going, who should look at all those roaches.
00:22:31.770 –> 00:22:34.230
kathygruver: No, I can’t get rid of the roaches. If I don’t
00:22:34.590 –> 00:22:41.580
kathygruver: Look on the light and. That’s what to me what relationships, the joy of doing, is it shows us our stuff.
00:22:41.940 –> 00:22:50.610
kathygruver: That we can then work on so that we’re better people so that we’re healthier and more successful and we get all those things we say we want out of life and out of relationships and out of love.
00:22:51.720 –> 00:23:03.210
kathygruver: That’s for relatively short relationships are great for that. I think it’s more difficult to do by yourself. I think this is one of the reasons we get in relationship with people is to help hold up a mirror so that we can be better to me, my opinion.
00:23:04.080 –> 00:23:12.120
Jason Mefford: Well, and it’s, you know, I think another another thing that I’ve seen a lot to with with watching people kind of go through relationships is
00:23:13.290 –> 00:23:15.180
Jason Mefford: Sometimes relationships have an end.
00:23:15.630 –> 00:23:28.050
Jason Mefford: Yeah, and they need to have an end, you know, I think that that we get the you know fairy tale, you know, Disney movie, you know, Princess and they lived happily ever after. Forevermore. You know,
00:23:28.800 –> 00:23:37.080
Jason Mefford: And and relationships serve us at different points in our life. And again, especially when you have people that are
00:23:37.890 –> 00:23:53.520
Jason Mefford: You know, developing and growing which we all should be right that eventually maybe a relationship doesn’t serve you. And again, it may not be a romantic one, it may be a relationship with a family or friends, you know, I have I have friends from high school that
00:23:54.630 –> 00:24:08.100
Jason Mefford: You know, whenever we’d get together haven’t since I moved down to California haven’t seen him very much. But you know when I would when I would get together with them. It was, it was great for like the first half hour hour
00:24:09.330 –> 00:24:22.890
Jason Mefford: And then after that we just didn’t really have anything to talk about and and it’s not that I you know I don’t love these guys you know they’re my friends from growing up. I’d still do pretty much anything for some of these guys.
00:24:22.950 –> 00:24:27.360
Jason Mefford: You know, because I, I do think of them as brothers in that way, but
00:24:27.870 –> 00:24:41.940
Jason Mefford: We just don’t have anything in common. Now we’re on a different point in our life and different in it and it’s okay it’s nothing about them. The relationship we had when we were teenagers was exactly the relationship. I needed as a teenager.
00:24:42.840 –> 00:24:43.560
kathygruver: Yeah, exactly.
00:24:43.950 –> 00:24:54.510
Jason Mefford: You know, but now as a middle aged man it’s it’s a little bit different and and and it’s hard. I think sometimes because I’ve seen I saw this in myself. I knew
00:24:56.340 –> 00:25:02.580
Jason Mefford: At least four to five years, if not seven years before my divorce.
00:25:03.810 –> 00:25:04.770
Jason Mefford: That
00:25:05.880 –> 00:25:14.910
Jason Mefford: The relationship was probably over but I kept trying to hang in there for my kids and for all the other bullshit excuses that
00:25:15.600 –> 00:25:29.160
Jason Mefford: The society gives to us. Right. And again I it was my path. I had to go that path. I learned things on those intervening years but I see this so much and people that I talked to
00:25:30.390 –> 00:25:35.760
Jason Mefford: They know a relationship is over, but they’re afraid to end it.
00:25:36.810 –> 00:25:49.980
Jason Mefford: And this is where our self love kind of comes back into it again. Right. Yes. Okay. If you stop yourself if you really love yourself. Right. Can you say I love myself to you, can you can you say I love myself. First off, right. I love myself.
00:25:50.850 –> 00:25:51.870
kathygruver: I love myself.
00:25:52.080 –> 00:25:55.470
Jason Mefford: And you can you say that 20 times to yourself in the day, or do you feel
00:25:56.760 –> 00:26:15.630
Jason Mefford: Like, okay, well, then maybe you start to start saying that more to yourself. Right. Another question is, again, if, if you’re in a relationship that’s no longer serving you, or really anything that you’re doing. Another question you can ask is, if I really loved myself. What I do this.
00:26:17.400 –> 00:26:23.910
Jason Mefford: And so again, you know, if it’s maybe a relationship is over the person is abusive emotionally, physically, whatever.
00:26:24.420 –> 00:26:48.180
Jason Mefford: If you stopped and were honest with yourself and said, If I really loved myself. Would I allow this person that I’m in a relationship with to emotionally abuse me right go back to that question, we said before, right. How would you advise a child or someone else that you loved
00:26:48.240 –> 00:27:00.150
Jason Mefford: Yep, and we should be, we should be giving that advice to herself, if we really love herself and in sometimes loving yourself means doing some of those things that feels hard that are scary.
00:27:00.510 –> 00:27:15.090
kathygruver: Very hard. And I think part of it is that one person feels responsible for holding the relationship together or they feel responsible for the other person’s happiness. He’ll be so upset if I leave or she’ll be devastated. If I go, okay.
00:27:16.170 –> 00:27:26.820
kathygruver: Or the guilt guilt and fear to huge motivating things guilt and fear, the fear of not having enough money OF HOW AM I GOING TO RAISE THE KIDS MYSELF. Where am I going to live the guilt of
00:27:27.180 –> 00:27:35.640
kathygruver: Oh her family will never forgive me if I go, What will my friend say all you know all that kind of stuff. And I’ve watched people go through that I’ve watched me go through parts of that as well.
00:27:37.050 –> 00:27:41.220
kathygruver: It does come down to the self love and to stepping into that position of power.
00:27:42.180 –> 00:27:50.430
kathygruver: And saying, I’m not going to be here anymore and it doesn’t have to be some melodramatic reason that you’re going. It could just be that you’ve drifted apart.
00:27:50.730 –> 00:28:03.390
kathygruver: You know, after 30 I have changed so much in the 50 years I’ve been on this planet, obviously I’m not a kindergartner anymore. You know, I don’t think that doing a duet with Eddie Van Halen would be the greatest thing is still pretty great.
00:28:03.870 –> 00:28:05.370
Jason Mefford: Still be pretty great pretty
00:28:06.510 –> 00:28:11.490
kathygruver: Jealous. Put that back on the list. Okay, but it’s like things that I valued even 10 years ago.
00:28:11.790 –> 00:28:20.700
kathygruver: I don’t anymore. I have grown and move past that and I’m a completely different person and not every relay. I agree with you. Not every relationship stays. I think we get in relation to
00:28:21.000 –> 00:28:28.080
kathygruver: Help us to grow to evolve to learn things to move forward. And I think people come into our lives exactly when needed.
00:28:28.530 –> 00:28:40.170
kathygruver: And they stay for some indeterminate amount of time. And sometimes it is forever. I have clients who have been together 2030 5060 years and they’re still vibrant and happy and healthy together.
00:28:40.710 –> 00:28:47.580
kathygruver: And I’ve had people in their 80s, say, God, I wish I would have left him 40 years ago I can’t leave now. You know, it’s like, wow, you know,
00:28:49.500 –> 00:28:57.450
kathygruver: You have to make whatever choice is going to work for you and you have to determine how much work that you want to put into
00:29:00.120 –> 00:29:06.420
kathygruver: salvaging something that may not be salvageable it only you know that and only that’s an individual relationship thing.
00:29:07.560 –> 00:29:11.250
kathygruver: But it does take work and it does take effort and both partners have to be engaged in that
00:29:11.640 –> 00:29:23.010
kathygruver: Both partners apps. I mean, if you and I weren’t communicating the way we do and weren’t sort of divvying up though I’m not great on the marketing like you are but divvying up the task and this this relationship without work.
00:29:23.340 –> 00:29:33.180
Jason Mefford: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it’s interesting, something that you said to is, you know, people come into our lives. And so we’re not we’re not just talking about romantic relationships here, but obviously that’s
00:29:33.600 –> 00:29:37.980
Jason Mefford: When people talk about. I have a relationship issue with that usually. That is what they’re talking about.
00:29:37.980 –> 00:29:39.480
Jason Mefford: Right, but it can be with anybody.
00:29:41.280 –> 00:29:50.460
Jason Mefford: But, you know, people, people come into our lives exactly at the time that we needed to we learn what it is that we need to learn and then they move on.
00:29:50.880 –> 00:30:02.310
Jason Mefford: They may move on through death. They may move on through, you know, relationship just doesn’t work. Somebody moves. Whatever reason people come into our lives and people leave our life. Everybody well
00:30:02.850 –> 00:30:14.640
Jason Mefford: But there’s one relationship that you will always be with your whole life. And that’s the relationship with yourself. You can’t get away from yourself.
00:30:15.450 –> 00:30:28.500
Jason Mefford: And so if you don’t have a good relationship with yourself. If you don’t really love yourself if you don’t think that you’re worthy and exactly perfect exactly the way that you are at this point in time.
00:30:29.280 –> 00:30:39.150
Jason Mefford: Then you’re going to have a hard time living in your relationship with yourself, until you decide that and realize that we don’t need that external
00:30:39.540 –> 00:30:41.610
Jason Mefford: Yeah, the power comes from internal
00:30:42.210 –> 00:30:49.080
kathygruver: Absolutely, a very wise woman one said, no matter who I’m sleeping next to, or who I’m sleeping with I always have to wake up with myself.
00:30:49.830 –> 00:30:50.250
00:30:51.960 –> 00:30:52.740
Jason Mefford: Very good quote
00:30:53.640 –> 00:30:54.900
Oh, that was that the wild women.
00:30:56.310 –> 00:30:58.260
Jason Mefford: Like I’m gonna have to start using that one.
00:30:58.290 –> 00:31:02.820
kathygruver: I wrote, I wrote a play when I was living in LA and and one of the characters. Was this
00:31:03.060 –> 00:31:07.500
kathygruver: Her goal was just to sleep with everybody. She wanted to experience everything and that’s
00:31:08.040 –> 00:31:12.990
kathygruver: The end of her monologue. She says that it’s like no matter who I’m sleeping next to her home sleeping with I have to wake up with myself.
00:31:13.290 –> 00:31:27.420
kathygruver: And it’s about that self love and that valuing self regardless of who’s in your sphere, you know, regardless of the input that we’re getting from the outside. Because if we’re relying on people outside of ourselves to make us happy to give us that identity. We’re going to be disappointed.
00:31:28.710 –> 00:31:31.470
kathygruver: So we have to herself, and once again, we’ve
00:31:32.670 –> 00:31:34.410
kathygruver: We’ve, we’ve gone through a bunch of time.
00:31:35.340 –> 00:31:41.550
Jason Mefford: Well, no. And I think actually that’s a great you are a wise woman Kathy i think that’s that’s a, that’s a fabulous.
00:31:42.780 –> 00:31:55.920
Jason Mefford: Probably one of the reasons why I love movies and other stuff so much to is because you know as an artist, when you when you put together and you get aligned like that, no matter who I sleep next to or sleep with
00:31:57.120 –> 00:32:04.530
Jason Mefford: I wake up to myself in the morning, right, kind of a thing that is profound. And that’s, you know, again, what we’re
00:32:05.040 –> 00:32:15.330
Jason Mefford: What we’re talking about, focus, focus internally. You know, we’ve talked about why why we get so much validation from our external environment it’s programmed into us.
00:32:15.840 –> 00:32:25.560
Jason Mefford: But the more that we can actually really love ourself and and be confident in our relationship with ourself.
00:32:26.310 –> 00:32:42.210
Jason Mefford: A lot of these other relationship issues just kind of go away because will create boundaries. We won’t allow people to treat a certain ways will change ourselves will attract those other people into our life that need to be in our life at that time. But it all starts with us.
00:32:42.780 –> 00:32:49.110
kathygruver: That’s like love this conversation because we’ve talked about self care. We’ve talked about the five love languages in regards to our self.
00:32:49.440 –> 00:32:58.530
kathygruver: So we can go back to those episodes and realize this has been a theme that runs throughout this because, you know, we’re always with ourselves so we might as well. Might as well get along.
00:33:02.730 –> 00:33:07.320
kathygruver: All right. Oh, I love this conversation. We never know where these things are going to go. But yeah, I like where that went. So that was good.
00:33:07.590 –> 00:33:12.330
kathygruver: Excellent. All right, I’m Kathy Gruber. I can be reached at Kathy group com
00:33:12.870 –> 00:33:23.160
Jason Mefford: And I’m Jason method I can be reached at Jason method calm, so go out love yourself, and we’ll see ya on the next fire and earth podcast.
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