Feel like life’s got you down? Feel like every day you have to overcome various challenges or outside influences sabotaging your day?
Well this episode is just for you!
In today’s podcast Kathy and Jason will discuss how to get the best of life’s issues, how to ignore any self negativity , and how to become an improved version of yourself.
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Kathy Gruver: Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of the fire and earth podcast, I’m your co host Kathy Gruber.
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Jason Mefford: And I’m Jason Medford, and today we thought we talked about something that we all have to deal with. Oops.
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Jason Mefford: Yeah, exactly right.
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Jason Mefford: Okay, I’ve recently. Well, hopefully, every single day, you’re dealing with that if your body’s really regulating as it needs to. Right.
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Jason Mefford: But no.
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Jason Mefford: saboteurs challenges to talk about today, right, because you know there’s there’s we all experienced this. We all have different challenges that come along to us.
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Jason Mefford: We all have these little saboteurs that come along and seem to disrupt what we’re trying to do. And so we wanted to dig into that a little bit today because
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Jason Mefford: A lot of times we blame instead of taking responsibility for those things when they end up happening. Yeah.
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Kathy Gruver: Yeah, it’s not uncommon. And I know in our in coaching, at least when I do it, we talked quite a bit about the saboteur
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Kathy Gruver: It’s so if someone was encouraged you don’t want to bring it up because you don’t want them to be constantly in the saboteur but to me unless you acknowledge that it exists and you name it.
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Kathy Gruver: You can’t get rid of it. So what is that is that self doubt is that messages from your parents. What is it inside you, that’s keeping you from reaching that goal.
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Kathy Gruver: And of course, there’s a reason we’re talking about this. I was trying to get to my office today. And there’s a giant truck in the alley and I stopped. And it’s like, Okay, I have a choice. How do I respond to this.
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Kathy Gruver: Do I try to get around the truck who that was iffy big telephone pole could scratch the car. Do I go around the block. And I finally decided their trucks blocking my way I’m going to park in their parking lot. So my cars in a different parking lot today.
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Kathy Gruver: It’s like we have options of
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Kathy Gruver: It’s just like anything else. We have options of do we give up. I mean, frankly, I could still be sitting in the alley going, why isn’t this guy moving
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Kathy Gruver: I solved the problem because I knew I had something to do. So when dealing with the saboteur it’s like can you get rid of the saboteur completely and if not, what are your other options. How do you go around what this big block is in your life.
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Jason Mefford: Well, like you said, you use the word respond. That’s, that’s the important word right is that
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Jason Mefford: You know, really, it kind of goes back some stuff we talked about before, right, when one of these things comes along, you know, first off, back of the brain fight, flight, or freeze right
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Jason Mefford: And so again, you know, you could have just sat in your car, cross your arms, maybe flipped him off. I don’t know, whatever.
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Jason Mefford: You know I’m, you know, I’m not going to move you gotta move your in my way. Wow. Right. You can do all of that stuff that’s really not going to change the situation at all right.
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Jason Mefford: And and we do have the ability to choose and to be responsible right and and i think that you know we have much more control than we believe
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Kathy Gruver: Yep.
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Jason Mefford: And so one of the things that one of my mentor says is, is about having influence over the conditions of your life.
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Jason Mefford: We may not be able to control all of the conditions, but we can influence the conditions and obviously we can respond or choose to respond to the different conditions that come up. Yeah.
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Kathy Gruver: Absolutely. And don’t think I didn’t have some words for the
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Kathy Gruver: There were some words because I was rushing to get here.
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Kathy Gruver: Now here’s, here’s the thing though I’m familiar with this neighborhood. So I happen to know that running parallel to the alley that I have to go down to get to my office because my door faces this back alley.
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Kathy Gruver: There’s a whole neighborhood with this connection of streets. So if the alleys blocked. I know I simply go and I come in the alley. The other way.
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Kathy Gruver: That comes from experience and knowledge. I also know the manager of the store. They’re not going to tell my car. So one of the things that made this adaptation easy for me.
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Kathy Gruver: Is the knowledge and the experience that everything’s going to work out fine. If you don’t know that there’s that that other route.
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Kathy Gruver: It’s going to freak you out a little bit. So what I found is, the more experiences we have and the more we learn, the more we talk about people, the more adaptable. We seem to be in dealing with these blocks and the saboteurs
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Kathy Gruver: So, what, what would you say is your biggest saboteur Jason
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Jason Mefford: Oh, come on. Do we have to air all the dirty laundry, I think, I think, one that comes back to me a lot, is that everybody deals with is some of the self doubt.
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Jason Mefford: Right, that that sometimes we we want to do something, but deep down inside there’s that little ego part of us. It’s like, oh, no, no, no, no, it’s different. It’s change. You’ve never done that before you might die.
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Jason Mefford: Well, we’re not going to die right but but there’s that there’s that constant kind of fighting with that egos state.
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Jason Mefford: That once you to keep
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Jason Mefford: Doing the same thing, but as as you’re trying to grow as you’re trying to develop. You know, there’s a there’s an error of vulnerability that comes out with that. And we all have self doubt. I mean, I’ve listened to, you know,
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Jason Mefford: Famous people, you know, very talented musicians, actors, other people like this.
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Jason Mefford: And, you know, from the outside world, you would think, Oh, they’ve got all their shit together. They know exactly what they’re doing. Look at how confident they are
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Jason Mefford: And they still have periods of that imposter syndrome of feeling like I’m not good enough. You know, this last song I put out
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Jason Mefford: I don’t know. It’s not really that good, you know, and then it ends up being number one hit. Right, right. So, so we all kind of tend to do that. And so
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Jason Mefford: Each time that comes up, you know, you have to kind of stop and like you said, look, everything is going to be fine, right, I’ve gone through this. I’ve done this, how many times before.
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Jason Mefford: In different ways. Everything is going to be okay. I just have to choose and move forward and not worried about it. Just trust.
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Kathy Gruver: Yeah, I had a friend who gave me some really good advice. My dad was in the hospital and I was tremendously upset. This was probably about a year before he actually passed away. So he ended up being okay but i was i was a mess.
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Kathy Gruver: And I was standing in his office and I was crying, and he and his arms around me and he said, you’re going to be okay. And I said, what if my dad’s not okay. And he said, regardless of whether your dad’s okay you’re gonna be okay.
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Kathy Gruver: And I kind of stopped and went
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Kathy Gruver: Yeah. So I realized, whether or not I get the speaking gig, whether or not I get the whatever, I’m going to be okay. There isn’t a personal threat to me in that
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Kathy Gruver: Failure, or that feedback or whatever that is. And I’m going to the same as you. It’s, it’s the self doubt and mine sort of comes out in the
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Kathy Gruver: Why are you bothering it’s not going to work anyway.
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Kathy Gruver: Or I convince myself of I’m not in the right frame of mind to write that right now. Like I’ll sit down to write a speaking proposal and I swear to god words don’t work in my head. Like I you know they might my cat might as well just be pushing letters.
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Kathy Gruver: And I realized that I do this tapping thing that Mike taught us
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Kathy Gruver: Yeah, and I switch ego states into I’m in work mode. Kathy. So what I’ll do is I will find something that
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Kathy Gruver: triggers that ego state, I’ll do that first. Whether it’s responding to an email or doing the dishes, something that brings me into that organizational mindset.
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Kathy Gruver: And then I will go back and write what I need to write or I’ll dictate it because I’m just for some reason.
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Kathy Gruver: I guess because I’m a speaker and I’m a visual kinesthetic that walking around my house and dictating what I want to say, and actually helps it flow better. So it’s important to find those workarounds it’s important to find what is going to
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Kathy Gruver: Work for you. And there have been times in hypnosis or in coaching where I’ve had the person slaughter the
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Kathy Gruver: saboteur. What does it look like what does it sound like what does that voice, you’re hearing what do you use the sort of organizational you slice its head off or, you know, we do this whole sort of visualization of
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Kathy Gruver: How are we getting rid of the saboteur or make its voice and Mickey Mouse voice.
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Kathy Gruver: Because if you constantly hear your father and your head going, You’re a loser. You’re a loser. You’re a loser. And that influences every next step you take, if you suddenly hear you’re a loser. Yeah, yeah, I lose it becomes funny and it doesn’t bother me at all.
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Jason Mefford: Well, because, because the the
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Jason Mefford: What we perceive as that physical threat is not a physical threat, it’s, it’s a subconscious issue right and so again you know some of those things like making just giving it a funny voice Well by ear. You know, whatever you want to do.
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Jason Mefford: A whole episode on that.
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Jason Mefford: You know, give it a funny voice do something else. I mean, there’s a lot of different techniques for that.
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Jason Mefford: You know, as, as, just to try to make a call way. The other thing is, is as you even said, you know, cuz I get this, I get this a lot to, you know, I’m trying to do.
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Jason Mefford: Copy on the website. And it’s the same thing. You know, you feel like you’ve got that route that writer’s block. Well, some of the things we’ve talked about before, you know, without doing things like the tapping
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Jason Mefford: You know that you were talking about with Mike or having some kind of totems or other stuff like that that kind of gets you to show up into that egos state right helps again kind of remind you that, look, you know, this is the person that’s got to show up right now.
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Jason Mefford: I’m serious. I’m getting it done.
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Jason Mefford: And you know, when I get it done, then I can go back to being you know the other ego state that I want to, but right now I’m going to push through
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Jason Mefford: Because whatever fear we might be feeling is not real anyway.
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Kathy Gruver: Right fear. False Evidence Appearing Real
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Kathy Gruver: You know, and I always ask people, what do I know to be true will look at a good anyway. Do you know that to be true.
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Kathy Gruver: Because if you do, then you might want to rethink your entire career if you know that everything you try is not going to work. And it’s interesting I caught myself.
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Kathy Gruver: I caught myself being very just truthful. Truthful
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Jason Mefford: I’m sure it’s a word. You just said it.
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Kathy Gruver: Yes.
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Kathy Gruver: I’m going to get into my I’m always right ego state. It is just truthful. Anyway, I caught myself being sort of mean to myself I would, I was always saying to people. God, if I just had more time and money. If I just had more time and money. I would have an
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Kathy Gruver: Award winning speaking grip. I just had more time and money and then coven hit and I had more time, but I knew what to do with and didn’t do jack shit.
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Kathy Gruver: And it’s like, wow.
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Kathy Gruver: I had all the time that I said I needed to get this stuff done. Did I do it.
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Kathy Gruver: You know, so then I have to look at that. Do I really want to do those things. What is the block that’s keeping me from doing those things. Is it the ego state that’s like
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Kathy Gruver: Going to the beach with the boyfriend or is it the end it’s not going to work. Anyway, or add no one’s going to read the book. Anyway, or at what why didn’t I do these things. Now, some of them. I got done
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Kathy Gruver: But why didn’t I do these things I said I want to do. What is that block and I really have to sit with that if I if I truly want to succeed. And I want to know myself, which to me as the key to everything.
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Kathy Gruver: Why didn’t I do those things. So ask yourself, why aren’t you doing those things. Is it the saboteurs, you don’t really want to do that thing in the first place. What do you want, which to me is an important question.
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Jason Mefford: Well, it is an end to push past it. You know, like you said, is he is
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Jason Mefford: You know, it goes back to that, you know, so, so many of us say what you know when I have this, then I’ll do that. And then I’ll be this person right and you got to flip that
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Jason Mefford: Back around, right, I mean, we talked about that before.
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Jason Mefford: You’re never going to have those things unless you first be the person. Right. So again, that’s where we come back to some of the ego states and other stuff is just show up and pretend
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Jason Mefford: If you have to. In the meantime, just be who that person would be to have those things and then you’ll find yourself doing those things that, that being would do, which of course is going to lead to the having of those things, but you know it’s it’s
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Jason Mefford: It’s easy to say it’s very simple. It’s easy to say it’s sometimes hard to do the simple things. And that’s why you just got to show up each day and fight and be the warrior and kind of push through until we we end up having what we want at the end of the day.
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Kathy Gruver: And it’s interesting. We were talking about ego states. And I know we had mike on talking about ego states and you and I have talked about ego states. For those of you listening or watching who are going to hold you guys talking about
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Kathy Gruver: Go back and watch one of the ego state was it’s going to make so much more sense because it’s it’s such a huge part of who we are and what we do. So my one of my dominant states is the Capricorn.
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Kathy Gruver: She’s great. She keeps me organized. She keeps me on track. She keeps she’s how I got my PhD and I’ve written all the books and you know she’s the this is the Capricorn.
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Kathy Gruver: Very strict very driven very organized her shadow side is very judgmental very harsh no break. It’s very nasty and
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Kathy Gruver: If I don’t get done what I say, I’d like to do, she pops in stupid loser. Why did you do that, you know, she gets very critical.
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Kathy Gruver: And I was telling my boyfriend, Eric, that the other day and I said, You know, I’m starting to feel like crap because I say able to do all these things and I’m not and my Capricorn is though he’s sitting there and he looks at me, he goes
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Kathy Gruver: I don’t think I like your Capricorn.
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Jason Mefford: She doesn’t sound like a nice person.
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Kathy Gruver: She’s kind of she makes you not feel good. And I went, yes. In her worst she makes me not feel good in her best. She keeps me on task. She keeps me organized. So what I realized is there’s this other ego state my manager.
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Kathy Gruver: Who, if you just give him the list of things to do. He’s very gentle and he’s very good at saying, Hey, why don’t we do three things today.
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Kathy Gruver: Don’t have to get all 30 done. So I’ve realized there’s this almost sort of subset of Capricorn, which is this very nice couple looks like my dad, you know, bald with the glasses, which is very kind and like
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Kathy Gruver: Organized and very little twisted and kind of nerdy little like it. It looks just like you.
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Jason Mefford: Know he has no
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Jason Mefford: Glasses. Hey, here we go.
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Kathy Gruver: My god.
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Jason Mefford: That was much funnier than me.
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Kathy Gruver: Oh my god.
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Kathy Gruver: Smiling and just sort of gentle and
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Kathy Gruver: Once you to succeed, but doesn’t need to be an asshole about it. So it’s like I’ve realized if I can give this stuff over to my manager.
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Kathy Gruver: stuff gets done. And I’m not driving myself crazy. I still have time to go to the beach. You know, so it’s the saboteurs or sometimes just ourselves. It’s just this this other part of our ego state being too mean to us.
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Kathy Gruver: Do you do have a manager or a capper into the Capricorn and you Jason
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Jason Mefford: Well, I have
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Jason Mefford: I’m not a Capricorn. I’m a Leo right but
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Jason Mefford: Where they came from. I know, but I did, but I do have
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Jason Mefford: You know some of that were because especially like we’ve been talking, you know, this month for me is very busy.
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Jason Mefford: And so when i when i get that way. I, I have a big list.
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Jason Mefford: Over here of all the stuff that I’m supposed to do and say and and a lot of times in, you know, in the course of a day.
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Jason Mefford: I maybe had 10 things on my list. And I get one done
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Jason Mefford: Now, I was serving people all day, I was doing what I needed to do. It was stuff that had to get done.
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Jason Mefford: But then I will get sometimes hard on myself, you know, just like your, your shadow side Capricorn to say, you know. Oh, come on, Jason, you know,
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Jason Mefford: You know you said you were going to get all this stuff done. You didn’t get it all done. You know, you don’t, you’re not keeping your word. What’s, what’s the matter, right.
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Jason Mefford: And so it is it’s it’s trying to, again, have that self compassion, realizing that, you know, look, probably, probably half the things on my list. I should just turn over to somebody on my team, but I’m still holding on to it for some stupid reason right that I have to let go of
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Jason Mefford: It and actually allow them to do more, you know, that’s, that’s where some of my control stuff kind of comes in, you know, in that way, that I just need to release more and realized again. I mean, Ali.
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Jason Mefford: Last night said you’re you’re letting your business drive you again. And I went, oh shit. Yep, honey. Right.
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Jason Mefford: You know, I, you know, in working more and doing more of the stuff because I feel this pressure to get it done. And the challenge of it where, again I have to choose.
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Jason Mefford: Choose what’s most important what only I can do and try to delegate the rest of it.
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Jason Mefford: And just realize that it’s going to be what it is.
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Kathy Gruver: Yeah, I want to point out something so important and what you just said when we are in a relationship when we are in a team when we are in a couple
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Kathy Gruver: And somebody sees you working too hard or if you’re the one listening to this, where your spouse is the Taipei, where the business is driving them again.
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Kathy Gruver: Figure out the gentlest healthiest way to say that to them because if you just go you’re waiting to I should get into data, they’re not going to hear you.
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Kathy Gruver: If you come at me and say, You’re crazy workaholic. Again, what are you doing, I’m gonna be like, Screw you, because my Capricorn is like no, whatever.
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Kathy Gruver: Eric said the exact same thing to me the other day.
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Kathy Gruver: He pointed out in the most gentle way. He goes, you know you had mentioned that you didn’t want to be the way you were before you didn’t want to be working as much. He didn’t want to be seen many clients.
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Kathy Gruver: He goes on. I know if things are weird with Kovac. But your I see you kind of doing it again.
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Kathy Gruver: And I just want to question that. Because I don’t know if that’s what you want to be doing right now. And if it is, that’s fine. But you said you didn’t want to. And now I see you doing it again. And I was like, Oh my God, what a perfect way to say that just the suddenly what Allah did you
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Kathy Gruver: Just that reminder of
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Kathy Gruver: You’re doing that thing you said you didn’t want it.
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Jason Mefford: Well, and what was funny is, you know, there was, I can’t remember it was the same day, but it was the day this week to where
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Jason Mefford: Where I could tell that she was kind of looking at me like something’s off with me right and and so later. Later in the day, she says, you know,
00:19:02.460 –> 00:19:16.200
Jason Mefford: Are you annoyed at me and I’m like, No, I’m not annoyed at you, you know, well, you kind of seem like you’re annoyed and and so again right she kind of brought that brought that up to me. And so I sat with that for a little while. And I’m like,
00:19:18.420 –> 00:19:29.610
Jason Mefford: I probably am annoyed. I’m not annoyed at her right I’m annoyed at myself because I wasn’t getting some of this stuff done that I wanted to and I was slipping back
00:19:30.090 –> 00:19:35.550
Jason Mefford: Right in into that old way. And again, that gentleness of a partner, a friend.
00:19:35.970 –> 00:19:52.260
Jason Mefford: You know, being able to bring something that like that up to us because again we got to just look in the mirror and realize I mean we started off talking about saboteurs and obstacles, right. A lot of times those come from herself yeah and and we’re our own worst enemy.
00:19:53.610 –> 00:20:01.770
Jason Mefford: And it’s a journey right i mean we are leaving. We know this. We’ve been living this for years, but it’s still creeps in for us. It creeps in for everybody.
00:20:02.310 –> 00:20:10.650
Jason Mefford: At different times in your life. The issue is, the more you practice, the more you do it, the easier it is to get out of it.
00:20:11.130 –> 00:20:21.630
Jason Mefford: Right, instead of it being like a three week funk. It’s like a three minute funk like oh shit. Okay, I just recognize that. Well, I’m going to stop it. I’m going to change. I’m going to move forward. Right.
00:20:21.870 –> 00:20:31.770
Kathy Gruver: And that takes awareness and that takes knowing who you are. It takes knowing what you want. This is why I love mapping the ego states, I can tell you pretty much all the time, who’s in charge, who’s driving my boss.
00:20:32.730 –> 00:20:42.330
Kathy Gruver: And it’s so great to have a gentle partner who can say, oh, you’re doing that thing you said you didn’t want to do. This is what an accountability partners for and if you’re not in a relationship.
00:20:42.690 –> 00:20:50.490
Kathy Gruver: Have a coach, have a, you know, I just did. I just finished up my coaching hours and I saw a bunch of clients just a one like one shot free session.
00:20:50.850 –> 00:20:54.690
Kathy Gruver: In the end of every single session. I said, What do you need from me now.
00:20:55.530 –> 00:21:00.540
Kathy Gruver: Do you need me to call you and check in. I’ll do it once. I’m not going to bug you every day to do that thing that’s not my job.
00:21:00.840 –> 00:21:06.060
Kathy Gruver: But do you want to check in, in a week and see if you did that thing you just said you wanted to do and every single person went
00:21:06.780 –> 00:21:17.580
Kathy Gruver: Yeah, I would love that. And every single person except one did what they said they were going to do. And she goes, Oh my God, how do we go by already. Thank you so much for reminding me that I need to do that now.
00:21:18.720 –> 00:21:24.600
Kathy Gruver: Good. That’s I’m done with that, you know, it’s like, I’m not going to check in, again with her and what she asked me to. But it’s like, do we have that
00:21:25.320 –> 00:21:34.980
Kathy Gruver: Inner check in person or an outer checking person around us that can go, they can hold us accountable and keep us healthy because sometimes we do get a little off the rails. I know I do.
00:21:36.240 –> 00:21:45.870
Jason Mefford: So when you’re off the rails. I think we had an episode on that earlier when you fall off the wagon. Get back on. Right. So that’s one of the lessons of life, so
00:21:46.140 –> 00:21:47.760
Kathy Gruver: It is it is how this is lovely.
00:21:49.350 –> 00:21:58.530
Kathy Gruver: saboteurs you name it identify it. See what you could do to get rid of it. Do a workaround surround yourself by people that love you and support you and can keep you accountable, the things
00:21:59.310 –> 00:22:19.170
Jason Mefford: And then just make a choice move into that other ego state that you need to in move past it because you, you do have way more control over the conditions that are going on in your life and how you choose to respond that most of us realize. Yep. So just make the choice, move on. Exactly.
00:22:19.380 –> 00:22:21.390
Kathy Gruver: I love it, the choice to move on. Alright.
00:22:22.620 –> 00:22:25.680
Kathy Gruver: Alright, I’m Kathy Gruber. I can be reached at Kathy Griffin calm.
00:22:26.070 –> 00:22:35.760
Jason Mefford: And I’m Jason method I can be reached at Jason method calm go out. Have a great rest of your week and we’ll catch you on the next episode of the fire and earth podcast. See ya.