Still resistant to change?
Well strap in for the second and final episode, where we wrap up our change averse discussion.
Lets dive into the last set of reasons for resisting change, and lets uncover how we can overcome these hinderances to improve our own lives!
Listen in at: http://www.jasonmefford.com/fireandearth145
Transcript
1
00:00:02.639 –> 00:00:07.319
Kathy Gruver: Welcome to another episode of the fire earth podcast I am your co host Kathy Gruber.
2
00:00:07.740 –> 00:00:15.150
Jason Mefford: And i’m Jason medford and today we’re going to pick up where we left off on a previous episode we’ve been talking about.
3
00:00:16.049 –> 00:00:24.660
Jason Mefford: Why, we are resistant to change and some of the things that we can do to actually not be resistant to change because.
4
00:00:25.080 –> 00:00:34.020
Jason Mefford: You know Kathy I don’t know if if you’re like me, but I know when I dig in, and I am not willing to change.
5
00:00:34.620 –> 00:00:44.130
Jason Mefford: My life usually doesn’t go the way I want it to i’m just stuck in a rut right and so that’s one of the reasons why we’re talking about that because, again, you might be feeling that way to.
6
00:00:44.880 –> 00:00:49.470
Jason Mefford: You know you feel like it’s groundhogs day you get up you do the same thing, every day, you know you hear.
7
00:00:50.190 –> 00:00:54.750
Jason Mefford: you hear sonny and cher every morning when you when you hit your it’s your alarm so.
8
00:00:55.230 –> 00:01:08.130
Jason Mefford: So let’s get in and we’ll talk more about because, again, this is a continuation of the previous episode so on the first episode what were the ones that we talked about so in case they missed it they go back Masson.
9
00:01:08.250 –> 00:01:13.860
Kathy Gruver: yeah so we talked about our brain and how you know we just are wired to be a little resistant to change.
10
00:01:14.670 –> 00:01:24.030
Kathy Gruver: it’s just that’s just how our brain, is it looks for danger quicker than it looks for happiness and joy so talked about our brain, we talked about just playing stubbornness, which you and I don’t have it all.
11
00:01:24.720 –> 00:01:41.550
Kathy Gruver: We talked about secondary gain, which is getting some sort of very subconscious unconscious reward for staying in a situation or method that you’re already using we talked about habit with me and that’s silly ice jug and today we’re going to talk about just a couple more of those so.
12
00:01:42.810 –> 00:01:43.500
Kathy Gruver: we’ll just dive in.
13
00:01:43.830 –> 00:01:47.760
Jason Mefford: So let’s jump in because I know one of them that we had mentioned before, is fear.
14
00:01:47.850 –> 00:01:50.640
Jason Mefford: yeah people are afraid.
15
00:01:52.080 –> 00:01:57.960
Jason Mefford: afraid of change so so what’s what is, what does that mean, how to how do we kind of over overcome now.
16
00:01:58.320 –> 00:02:05.880
Kathy Gruver: yeah I mean it could be fear of anything fear of failure, fear of success, fear of the unknown fear of judgment, you know what are other Oh, what are other people going to think.
17
00:02:06.060 –> 00:02:11.610
Kathy Gruver: And I think so much of that goes back to that sort of tribalism that we had before, have you know we wanted to fit into.
18
00:02:11.910 –> 00:02:20.970
Kathy Gruver: Our little village, we wanted to fit into that pack of people that we formed and so if we start to do something in a different way, what if they judge us what if they don’t like us it’s all those what f’s.
19
00:02:21.450 –> 00:02:29.670
Kathy Gruver: You know I love the using the acronym of fear of false evidence appearing real you know, unless you’re in a serious physical threat situation.
20
00:02:30.300 –> 00:02:38.970
Kathy Gruver: Just like in the you know the last episode about this, we talked about the story of me getting the irs thing that said delayed and I went into this whole had a oh my God, was it just meant delayed.
21
00:02:39.510 –> 00:02:44.310
Kathy Gruver: We could create these these tales about all this fear and what’s so fascinating as we go through these.
22
00:02:44.670 –> 00:02:51.390
Kathy Gruver: are so interconnected, you know the influence of other people, and sometimes we’re stuck because of fear and their secondary gain and you know.
23
00:02:52.110 –> 00:03:00.120
Kathy Gruver: there’s no real just one thing that causes us to not change, but those fears of you know if you don’t try that new thing well you can’t fail.
24
00:03:00.390 –> 00:03:03.960
Kathy Gruver: If you don’t try that new thing, and you can’t succeed, and then you don’t have the pressure of that.
25
00:03:04.170 –> 00:03:14.340
Kathy Gruver: You know it’s just so much easier and so much less threatening to sit exactly where you are and not step out of that comfort zone and try something new, so I think that’s where fear and the resistance to change comes in.
26
00:03:15.210 –> 00:03:23.070
Jason Mefford: Well, I want to pick that up a little bit because you know, most of the time when we think about fear we think about the negative side of it right like well if I.
27
00:03:23.430 –> 00:03:43.230
Jason Mefford: If I do this, and I fail right, then, then we attach some sort of meaning to that, but, but the fear of success is one that a lot of times people don’t really think about is that you know if I do something new, I might succeed.
28
00:03:44.160 –> 00:03:57.240
Jason Mefford: And if I succeed what is that going to mean well, maybe i’m become a different person if I become a different person I might outgrow some of the relationships that I currently have.
29
00:03:58.050 –> 00:04:10.980
Jason Mefford: I might have to show up as a different person right and then what I was doing before, and so, so the fear of success and i’ve seen this from so many people.
30
00:04:11.070 –> 00:04:23.430
Jason Mefford: Right like trying to grow their business or move forward in their career is they say they want to do it, but they’re afraid of the changes and of having the success.
31
00:04:23.520 –> 00:04:27.930
Kathy Gruver: yeah well and to that point even further if you succeed if.
32
00:04:28.380 –> 00:04:32.970
Kathy Gruver: You say okay i’m going to write that book i’m gonna write that guy gotta do I gotta do I gotta do it, and then you write the book.
33
00:04:33.150 –> 00:04:45.090
Kathy Gruver: Then everybody goes oh what’s your next book will be about and you suddenly go oh shit and suddenly all this pressure to keep performing to outdo yourself that’s a lot of pressure I know i’ve done, I have like I have eight books now and after every book.
34
00:04:45.420 –> 00:04:55.140
Kathy Gruver: The question that everybody asks what’s your next book it’s like good Lord I just finished this one, you know there’s this constant luckily my capricorn appreciate that but there’s this constant pressure like once you succeed.
35
00:04:55.530 –> 00:05:05.520
Kathy Gruver: What if you then fail after succeeding that’s even worse than just failing in the first place, so I think there’s just so much pressure that we build up and again from outside people and we’ll talk about outside forces in a second.
36
00:05:06.270 –> 00:05:12.900
Kathy Gruver: But I think there is that success that fear of success and we don’t often think about that or it’s the well I don’t really deserve that.
37
00:05:13.590 –> 00:05:17.760
Kathy Gruver: Because you know I don’t deserve to have that I don’t deserve to succeed, I don’t deserve to make the kind of money.
38
00:05:18.090 –> 00:05:32.370
Kathy Gruver: i’m embarrassed to have that kind of wealth, whatever it is, you know and again so much of that is programming programming programming programming and you know that comes from our parents from our teachers from how we were raised, you know this idea of deserving something.
39
00:05:33.390 –> 00:05:38.760
Kathy Gruver: And you know we set people up for that failure and it’s so hardwired into our brain I remember, I had.
40
00:05:39.060 –> 00:05:48.270
Kathy Gruver: Friends visiting and their mom was with them, and I said hey why don’t we all go kayaking that would be so much fun just in the harbor it’d be so much fun and the mom goes I probably fallen underground.
41
00:05:49.740 –> 00:05:54.120
Kathy Gruver: wow from kayaking wearing a.
42
00:05:55.230 –> 00:06:01.590
Kathy Gruver: Okay, it wasn’t Oh, that would be fun, or you know it wasn’t oh that’s to physically hard for me or oh it’s too hot, it was.
43
00:06:01.950 –> 00:06:14.250
Kathy Gruver: All probably fall in and drowned that’s amelie where her brain went she was just hard wired to be more negative than the average person and she never stepped out of her comfort zone and tried anything because of that kind of fear.
44
00:06:15.420 –> 00:06:23.130
Kathy Gruver: It was a really limited life, and it was really unfortunate to watch, because there are so many things she said she wanted to do, but never did because this fear was holding her back.
45
00:06:25.440 –> 00:06:33.540
Jason Mefford: So fear definitely does hold most of us back again fear of failure, or even the fear of success because, like you said it’s it’s.
46
00:06:35.970 –> 00:06:39.690
Jason Mefford: just another one of those things for you to start start walking through the loop.
47
00:06:39.870 –> 00:06:45.990
Jason Mefford: right on what what does that mean, and again, does it really matter at the end of the day.
48
00:06:46.230 –> 00:06:55.710
Jason Mefford: Right, because most of the time it doesn’t again we’re not going to the choices that we make if we try and we and we don’t succeed we’re not going to die.
49
00:06:56.040 –> 00:07:08.850
Jason Mefford: Right right and so again, you know, just like the lady with the kayak I mean she was going to the far extreme she’s thinking, she is gonna die it’s like no you’re gonna get a little wet you might be a little cold but you’re wearing a life like.
50
00:07:10.020 –> 00:07:11.070
Jason Mefford: yeah but.
51
00:07:11.130 –> 00:07:12.480
Jason Mefford: But you’re not going to die from it.
52
00:07:12.630 –> 00:07:19.590
Jason Mefford: Right and but, but the other side is you know it might be something that is just amazing.
53
00:07:19.890 –> 00:07:20.970
Kathy Gruver: yeah yeah.
54
00:07:21.030 –> 00:07:24.870
Jason Mefford: amazing that that you just find that you love.
55
00:07:26.400 –> 00:07:31.560
Jason Mefford: And you’re you’re giving you’re missing out on that if you don’t at least even try.
56
00:07:31.770 –> 00:07:40.470
Kathy Gruver: Absolutely well and here’s my advice on that so let’s say you have to do this really big scary thing, and you do have that fear change whether it’s fear of failure simply fear of the unknown.
57
00:07:40.950 –> 00:07:49.770
Kathy Gruver: start with something small condition yourself to get used to stepping out of your comfort zone, this is why, when the with the trapeze you don’t start with double tucks.
58
00:07:50.040 –> 00:07:53.670
Kathy Gruver: You start with a knee hang you start with a swing you climb the ladder you get yourself.
59
00:07:53.910 –> 00:08:05.400
Kathy Gruver: acclimated as you go, you know it’s not diving into the deep end it’s let’s slowly progressively go in, so if you really seriously have a big fear of change, maybe it’s you drive a different route to work tomorrow.
60
00:08:05.730 –> 00:08:09.090
Kathy Gruver: Or you order something different in the restaurant than what you normally get you know start with.
61
00:08:09.900 –> 00:08:21.780
Kathy Gruver: Non threatening non scary things, and you can start to get your consciousness used to, and your subconscious is used to doing things in a different way, you know that the thing that I read about online was you know if you cross your arms.
62
00:08:22.860 –> 00:08:24.060
Kathy Gruver: yep now crossing the other way.
63
00:08:24.120 –> 00:08:24.570
Jason Mefford: The other way.
64
00:08:25.410 –> 00:08:26.490
Kathy Gruver: Oh it’s so weird.
65
00:08:28.050 –> 00:08:31.590
Kathy Gruver: And just even something as simple as that you know our work habit.
66
00:08:31.920 –> 00:08:43.260
Kathy Gruver: that’s the way we’ve always done it, which is what we talked about in the last one, and just try something different, and you’ll slowly acclimate yourself to accepting those bigger bigger and bigger changes and next thing you know you either want to double check on the trapeze.
67
00:08:43.980 –> 00:08:58.590
Jason Mefford: Well, and those little changes to the other thing that they do is it conditioned you, and it provides you with evidence right because that was one of the things we talked about on the last episode two is has there ever been a time when you tried something new.
68
00:08:58.830 –> 00:09:14.310
Jason Mefford: yeah right and and the more times that you’re actually trying or changing that work positive for you, you know, the more evidence you’re going to have for the other things, and like you said you’ve got to do the little things to get to the bigger things.
69
00:09:14.580 –> 00:09:22.320
Jason Mefford: That, but you know the little things along the way lead to the big thing she’ll never have the big things if you don’t do the little things.
70
00:09:22.440 –> 00:09:23.580
Jason Mefford: So just start.
71
00:09:23.970 –> 00:09:32.760
Jason Mefford: Start small there’s a couple of examples order something different off the menu go to a different restaurant order a different wine for dinner.
72
00:09:32.820 –> 00:09:35.760
Jason Mefford: Right, I mean some of these things like that that.
73
00:09:36.240 –> 00:09:41.610
Jason Mefford: The worst thing that’s going to happen is you say I don’t really like that one Okay, well then next time don’t worry and.
74
00:09:42.150 –> 00:09:42.840
Kathy Gruver: Then you know.
75
00:09:43.380 –> 00:09:47.790
Kathy Gruver: And you’ll never know if you keep ordering the exact same glass of whatever every time you go out.
76
00:09:48.180 –> 00:09:55.290
Kathy Gruver: And it makes your life fuller and richer and prime’s you to be more open to change when it’s something bigger so yeah it’s a great little tip for that.
77
00:09:55.860 –> 00:10:08.190
Kathy Gruver: Okay, so we’ve got change talking about outside forces, this is a really interesting one, and this can be very insidious, and so what I meant when I was talking about outside forces is i’ve seen so many people in relationships.
78
00:10:09.240 –> 00:10:11.040
Kathy Gruver: Where their partners, keeping them stuck.
79
00:10:12.210 –> 00:10:19.650
Kathy Gruver: Where their partner isn’t encouraging them to lose the weight or to stop drinking, or to be the best they can be because of their fear.
80
00:10:20.010 –> 00:10:31.440
Kathy Gruver: That well boy if they’re thin and happy now they’re going to leave or if they’re you know beautiful and independent then someone else is going to take them away from me kind of thing so it’s very kind of.
81
00:10:31.770 –> 00:10:36.630
Kathy Gruver: I see this mixed and very narcissistic relationship very controlling relationships or abusive relationships.
82
00:10:36.930 –> 00:10:52.050
Kathy Gruver: Where one partner keeps the other one stuck on purpose out of their fear of losing that control that relationship that whatever it is so that that can be a very kind of scary and insidious one and if you’re stuck in that kind of situation you got to find a way to go.
83
00:10:53.130 –> 00:11:09.990
Jason Mefford: yeah well and outside forces to can also be you know to where you know you, you get to choose what you want to do right, we all have free will, but a lot of times what we’ll do two is especially if you’re very externally or extrinsic Lee motivated.
84
00:11:10.680 –> 00:11:11.580
Jason Mefford: You will look.
85
00:11:11.730 –> 00:11:33.480
Jason Mefford: To others right to confirm or help you make your decision and, and so what ends up happening sometimes is you know, like that will will just take the order and wine right is is you might say, you know I I think i’d like to try, you know i’ve never tried Riesling I don’t know i’m just.
86
00:11:33.690 –> 00:11:42.270
Jason Mefford: Throwing something out here right and so maybe you say well you know i’ve never tried Riesling I kind of like to do that, and maybe you go to some friend or a partner and say.
87
00:11:42.750 –> 00:11:46.410
Jason Mefford: hey you know what i’ve never tried racing I think i’m gonna try it.
88
00:11:47.640 –> 00:11:49.350
Jason Mefford: And again, depending on the people around you.
89
00:11:49.350 –> 00:11:50.700
Jason Mefford: Some people would say.
90
00:11:51.090 –> 00:11:55.620
Jason Mefford: Why would you want to do that that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard of.
91
00:11:55.710 –> 00:11:58.920
Kathy Gruver: reasoning sucks that doesn’t match that meal let’s do it let’s do it.
92
00:11:59.130 –> 00:12:07.290
Jason Mefford: I don’t like Riesling will you would like Riesling right, and so you know a lot of times when we’re around people like that.
93
00:12:07.800 –> 00:12:19.260
Jason Mefford: Then we end up taking their opinion, and so it it pulls us back because we then we start questioning ourselves like well yeah, I guess, why would I, why would I want to do wrestling then right.
94
00:12:19.710 –> 00:12:23.610
Jason Mefford: I mean if you if it’s a why doesn’t everybody drinks sharpen a and.
95
00:12:23.610 –> 00:12:25.500
Jason Mefford: that’s really the only way yeah okay.
96
00:12:26.730 –> 00:12:27.420
Kathy Gruver: Please now.
97
00:12:28.290 –> 00:12:29.520
Kathy Gruver: rebel against that immediately.
98
00:12:30.540 –> 00:12:39.060
Jason Mefford: But you know you know you look at that and so like you said, sometimes you start having the courage to want to change or decide that you want to change.
99
00:12:39.420 –> 00:12:48.540
Jason Mefford: But then you get somebody else’s opinion and they shoot you down and so that’s that’s why you know, sometimes people say look it’s better not to necessarily.
100
00:12:48.870 –> 00:12:56.400
Jason Mefford: Unless you have people in your life that are really supportive of whatever you want to do sometimes it’s better to just go do it.
101
00:12:56.730 –> 00:12:59.400
Jason Mefford: hmm and not get somebody else’s opinion.
102
00:12:59.670 –> 00:13:10.530
Kathy Gruver: yeah and there’s a huge fear of loss when you start to change, I mean if you spend every weekend with the guys getting shit faced in the bar and you decide one day that you want to stop drinking.
103
00:13:12.300 –> 00:13:17.250
Kathy Gruver: The friends aren’t necessarily going to be supportive of that because you’re breaking up the group and you’re changing and you’re.
104
00:13:17.610 –> 00:13:22.800
Kathy Gruver: It you might have to get new friends, you might have to find new people that are a different sort of influence on you.
105
00:13:23.640 –> 00:13:31.950
Kathy Gruver: let’s flip this i’ll tell you a time we’ll talk about a good outside influence and change, so you know we talked about all the time how I do trapeze.
106
00:13:32.310 –> 00:13:40.110
Kathy Gruver: i’ve been doing trapeze for like nine years and I was at the trapeze ring in Las Vegas which is not my home rig I was visiting but I know the owner.
107
00:13:40.440 –> 00:13:53.430
Kathy Gruver: And he watched me do one of my tricks and he said wow Kathy That was really good your swing is really strong long to try a double I went, oh no I thought that was completely out of my realm like I never would have gone to anybody and said, I want to try this.
108
00:13:53.670 –> 00:13:56.190
Kathy Gruver: It was a little too scary for me, because at least give me a one and a half.
109
00:13:56.670 –> 00:14:02.580
Kathy Gruver: So the next two days later, I show up he teaches me how to do it, I do a one and a half.
110
00:14:03.300 –> 00:14:12.420
Kathy Gruver: And I did it and I caught it and it blew my mind, so when I got back to my home rig one of the guys who works there had seen my one and a half, and he goes hey you know it’s time for you to try a double.
111
00:14:13.140 –> 00:14:19.410
Kathy Gruver: Had these guys not seen that something in me that I didn’t see in myself had they not believed in me and encouraged me to do that.
112
00:14:19.980 –> 00:14:31.170
Kathy Gruver: I never would have tried it, so in that way, it was me trusting their expertise and me, listening to them and going yeah you know what what the hell i’m going to do i’m in safety lines there’s a net, am I going to get hurt Probably not.
113
00:14:31.620 –> 00:14:41.580
Kathy Gruver: i’m going to try that thing and that to me, I mean it as silly as it sounds, it kind of changed my life to one have those guys believing in me and now me being able to do something that I never thought.
114
00:14:41.940 –> 00:14:46.740
Kathy Gruver: That I would be able to do so in that way, listening to those positive outside influences.
115
00:14:47.400 –> 00:15:00.090
Kathy Gruver: encouraged me to do something way out of my comfort zone and i’m so glad i’m doing Stillman caught the double and we’re so close, but you know it’s it’s something that I, if I never catch it is still a frickin double you know it’s just so exciting to me.
116
00:15:00.630 –> 00:15:03.720
Jason Mefford: Well, this is one of those things to you know for everybody that’s listening.
117
00:15:05.280 –> 00:15:11.970
Jason Mefford: probably a good thing for you to do this week, would be to kind of assess some of the people that are around you.
118
00:15:12.420 –> 00:15:18.810
Jason Mefford: yeah are the people that you’re hanging out with most of the time, are they discouraging you are they negative.
119
00:15:19.200 –> 00:15:27.450
Jason Mefford: Are they holding you back from some of the changes that you want to do, or are they the people who were supportive or encouraging.
120
00:15:28.620 –> 00:15:37.260
Jason Mefford: Because, again, I mean one of the one of the reasons why you know, like we said these outside forces if you’re having trouble changing.
121
00:15:38.370 –> 00:15:51.300
Jason Mefford: One of those reasons could be is the people that you’re surrounding yourself with the people that you’re hanging out with most of the time are also resistant to change, and they are trying to hold you back.
122
00:15:51.660 –> 00:15:58.290
Jason Mefford: And so, sometimes for you to be able to change sometimes you have to change some of those relationships.
123
00:15:58.590 –> 00:16:06.720
Jason Mefford: And again, that can be a scary thing that gets back into our fear and everything else, but really you know it comes down to you, having to decide.
124
00:16:07.320 –> 00:16:18.900
Jason Mefford: Do I want to stay stuck where I am in the pain, or the fear or whatever else, it is that you’re feeling, you know that’s wanting you to grow and move forward, you know which one is better.
125
00:16:19.170 –> 00:16:24.900
Jason Mefford: Down you want to stay where you’re at or do you want to go where you want to go and sometimes again.
126
00:16:25.380 –> 00:16:37.440
Jason Mefford: Those choices might mean having to get different friends, you know, like you said, with the with the guys going out and getting shit faced every every weekend right it’s like if you decide and i’ve seen this from a lot of people that I know.
127
00:16:37.680 –> 00:16:45.960
Jason Mefford: You know we’re drinking has been a very big part of their life, and then they decide, you know what either I want to, I want to quit completely.
128
00:16:46.500 –> 00:17:02.280
Jason Mefford: Or, I want to cut it back to just socially drinking, or maybe a drink or two a week well you’re gonna you’re going to have to extricate yourself from those people that want you to stay exactly where you’re at.
129
00:17:02.460 –> 00:17:13.320
Kathy Gruver: yeah yeah and and taking people’s input with a grain of salt, when I was traveling to Egypt and Jordan, I had so many clients who were terrified they came from a very big place of fear.
130
00:17:13.650 –> 00:17:22.740
Kathy Gruver: Why would you do that that’s dangerous you’re going to get killed you’re never coming back don’t call me for ransom money did it and I heard this from like literally I had clients say horrible things to me.
131
00:17:23.130 –> 00:17:32.430
Kathy Gruver: And I had to recognize that was coming from their place of fear I didn’t have anybody that was like us need have fun, it was either you’re never coming back you’re gonna get killed.
132
00:17:32.880 –> 00:17:39.030
Kathy Gruver: or oh my God i’ve been there you’re going to have the best time and I got to choose who I listened to.
133
00:17:39.600 –> 00:17:48.870
Kathy Gruver: And I have to say, because I had shown the clients constantly you know, putting in my brain, this is scary you’re never coming home, I went with quite a bit of trepidation.
134
00:17:49.230 –> 00:18:00.060
Kathy Gruver: And it was tough for me to listen to my own inner dialogue of Am I seriously making a bad choice and going like is this actually physically intrinsically dangerous.
135
00:18:00.510 –> 00:18:13.590
Kathy Gruver: Or am I now being so influenced by these outside forces that i’m starting to feel nervous about something I don’t need to feel nervous about and I finally decided to go there was no threat, I was one of the most incredible trips in my life, and you know you have to.
136
00:18:14.790 –> 00:18:22.350
Kathy Gruver: it’s sometimes it’s so hard to distill down what is good advice and what is really bad advice and because I trusted those guys at the trapeze REG.
137
00:18:22.770 –> 00:18:31.710
Kathy Gruver: I tried on one and a half now if somebody I didn’t know it was like how you should do this thing jump off that cliff when you know use your and you think with your guts there folks.
138
00:18:32.010 –> 00:18:35.700
Kathy Gruver: But you know really like you said sit down and who, who is influencing you.
139
00:18:36.450 –> 00:18:41.040
Kathy Gruver: Remember there’s this he put yourself in the Center and then you do these like concentric circles out.
140
00:18:41.400 –> 00:18:47.910
Kathy Gruver: And the most supportive people that you trust you put in that inner circle and then, as they get maybe a little more negative or not, as.
141
00:18:48.150 –> 00:18:58.080
Kathy Gruver: supportive you put them out or in the circle and then you having that visual really helps you think now who do I want to rely on for advice, who do I want close to me.
142
00:18:58.410 –> 00:19:07.050
Kathy Gruver: And those people in that outer ring who maybe aren’t being very supportive maybe you just love them from a distance, maybe you limit how much time you spend with them, or what kind of conversations you have with them what you share.
143
00:19:08.310 –> 00:19:08.670
Jason Mefford: yeah.
144
00:19:09.180 –> 00:19:11.370
Jason Mefford: very true very true because yeah a lot of.
145
00:19:12.630 –> 00:19:17.700
Jason Mefford: A lot of times you’re not changing because it’s the people that you’re hanging around with.
146
00:19:18.450 –> 00:19:18.960
Kathy Gruver: Huge one.
147
00:19:19.230 –> 00:19:21.210
Kathy Gruver: yep and the last one.
148
00:19:22.470 –> 00:19:23.850
Kathy Gruver: just plain lazy.
149
00:19:25.050 –> 00:19:29.010
Jason Mefford: lazy you mean nobody’s lazy.
150
00:19:29.160 –> 00:19:36.360
Kathy Gruver: No, nobody is lazy no that’s why you haven’t cleaned out the garage and you’re still wearing underwear that’s just a waste by and.
151
00:19:41.400 –> 00:19:42.720
Jason Mefford: Go to your my head right now.
152
00:19:43.590 –> 00:19:44.310
Kathy Gruver: I mean, maybe you’re.
153
00:19:44.460 –> 00:19:51.420
Kathy Gruver: Not cleaning the kitchen and that under I don’t know but it’s like you know yeah you stop at target you get a pack of underwear but it’s I gotta get in the car I got.
154
00:19:52.380 –> 00:20:01.080
Kathy Gruver: You know, sometimes it just seriously it’s we just don’t feel like doing that thing changes hard even little changes like going to CVs buying a frickin picture.
155
00:20:02.460 –> 00:20:09.690
Kathy Gruver: You know so sometimes it’s just we just kind of getting the cycle of I don’t want to do that thing just because it seems like it might be a little bit hard.
156
00:20:10.050 –> 00:20:16.200
Kathy Gruver: And at that point you just have to pull the trigger and do it, I mean there’s there’s a trick to that you just did some point have to get off the couch.
157
00:20:16.650 –> 00:20:20.040
Kathy Gruver: and go do that thing, and this is where I like having other people.
158
00:20:20.550 –> 00:20:29.250
Kathy Gruver: influence, maybe it’s hey you know I gotta go shopping I keep putting it off, do you want to run to the store with me or you know what i’m never gonna do this, can you go buy me this thing you know it’s really.
159
00:20:29.940 –> 00:20:34.980
Kathy Gruver: Getting the people around you who are supportive to help you get those things off your list sometimes that’s all you need to do.
160
00:20:36.300 –> 00:20:47.550
Jason Mefford: Well, and if you, and if you feel like you know again that maybe you’re you know, this is something that is you just kind of lazy about it, this is another opportunity because it ties in a lot to that secondary.
161
00:20:47.550 –> 00:20:51.150
Jason Mefford: gain that we talked about before you know, is sometimes.
162
00:20:51.540 –> 00:20:59.250
Jason Mefford: Sometimes we might even misinterpret us being lazy for some secondary gain that we’re getting.
163
00:20:59.610 –> 00:21:11.040
Jason Mefford: So, as you as you start asking yourself, you know some of those things you’ll probably end up finding out that well the reason that you’re being lazy or feel like you’re being lazy.
164
00:21:11.460 –> 00:21:19.710
Jason Mefford: Is you don’t really want it, that bad or there is some secondary gain that you that you’re that you’re getting instead.
165
00:21:19.830 –> 00:21:20.580
Kathy Gruver: that’s true.
166
00:21:20.820 –> 00:21:24.960
Jason Mefford: And so it’s it’s just going through and talking about because it’s not really that hard.
167
00:21:25.110 –> 00:21:31.440
Jason Mefford: I mean there there, there are some people that are just naturally lazy if you will.
168
00:21:31.530 –> 00:21:31.920
Kathy Gruver: well.
169
00:21:31.980 –> 00:21:33.540
Jason Mefford: I mean, I know some people that.
170
00:21:34.590 –> 00:21:50.010
Jason Mefford: I can’t do it i’m not one of those people right but there’s some people that are just happy to sit around and just watch netflix all day on the couch and you know sleep been and just do everything really slow and that’s.
171
00:21:50.010 –> 00:21:53.820
Jason Mefford: Fine, you know, because if that works for them, then maybe that’s the case right.
172
00:21:53.880 –> 00:22:00.000
Jason Mefford: But again, people that are like that usually kind of stay where they’re at.
173
00:22:00.150 –> 00:22:08.400
Jason Mefford: Right things don’t normally change for them and and again because change is hard it takes work.
174
00:22:08.460 –> 00:22:09.810
Kathy Gruver: It takes commitment.
175
00:22:10.440 –> 00:22:17.850
Jason Mefford: You know, because a lot of these things that we talked about like these habits, you know how many years were you doing the ice tea in the gallon jugs.
176
00:22:19.770 –> 00:22:22.140
Jason Mefford: years it was yours.
177
00:22:22.230 –> 00:22:26.100
Kathy Gruver: Right yeah because it worked out though it’s old house didn’t work at the new House like i’ve done it.
178
00:22:26.550 –> 00:22:31.650
Jason Mefford: yeah so so you know so when you look at that well if you’ve had a habit for years.
179
00:22:32.700 –> 00:22:36.300
Jason Mefford: you’re not going to break that habit in a couple of days.
180
00:22:36.330 –> 00:22:37.320
Kathy Gruver: yeah that’s true.
181
00:22:37.560 –> 00:22:44.730
Jason Mefford: You know it’s going to take you a month three months, you know to do it, so you have to stay consistent longer than every.
182
00:22:47.070 –> 00:22:47.430
Kathy Gruver: bed.
183
00:22:49.320 –> 00:22:51.780
Jason Mefford: But, but you have to stay consistent with it.
184
00:22:51.870 –> 00:22:52.380
Kathy Gruver: uh huh.
185
00:22:52.620 –> 00:23:12.810
Jason Mefford: You know, on on if you really want to do it and, again, so if you’re feeling a little bit lazy again start asking yourself, well, it is going to take some work it is going to take some effort is it worth the effort, because in and again if the pain, or whatever is not bad enough for you.
186
00:23:13.260 –> 00:23:15.690
Jason Mefford: yeah then you’re going to stay where you’re at.
187
00:23:15.900 –> 00:23:17.160
Jason Mefford: Absolutely okay.
188
00:23:17.520 –> 00:23:25.470
Jason Mefford: But be because i’ve seen this from so many people, they say they want to do things differently, but the pain isn’t bad enough yet.
189
00:23:25.470 –> 00:23:26.970
Jason Mefford: For them, that they’re not going to make the.
190
00:23:26.970 –> 00:23:28.080
Kathy Gruver: Change yep.
191
00:23:28.140 –> 00:23:34.080
Jason Mefford: But there’s gonna be some point when the pain of staying where you are.
192
00:23:34.710 –> 00:23:37.980
Jason Mefford: yep is more than the pain of changing.
193
00:23:38.550 –> 00:23:42.600
Jason Mefford: Right and when that happens go with it.
194
00:23:43.080 –> 00:23:43.620
Jason Mefford: Right make.
195
00:23:43.770 –> 00:23:52.860
Kathy Gruver: Absolutely yeah take that moment, and to something that you said is such a good point and I deal with all the time, with my clients, is how bad do you actually want that thing.
196
00:23:53.250 –> 00:24:01.770
Kathy Gruver: Because every session, you tell me, you want to stop eating cookies and every session, you tell me about more cookies so I have to question, do you actually want that.
197
00:24:02.040 –> 00:24:10.410
Kathy Gruver: You know is that a value for you is that what somebody else is telling you, because after six months if you’re not making any headway on doing that thing that you say you want.
198
00:24:11.310 –> 00:24:20.400
Kathy Gruver: Do you actually want it, you know, and I think so often we we say we want to do something and then we’re not taking action on it, maybe we actually don’t want to do it, maybe we did change our mind.
199
00:24:20.700 –> 00:24:30.990
Kathy Gruver: And we just don’t want to admit that maybe we’re embarrassed to say that we don’t want to do that thing anymore, so I think if you find yourself, you know that same thing every day gets moved to the next days to do list.
200
00:24:31.680 –> 00:24:34.620
Kathy Gruver: Maybe you don’t actually want to do it now, you have to question yourself on that.
201
00:24:35.610 –> 00:24:47.430
Jason Mefford: One i’m sure you see this, you know, in your hypnotherapy work that you do as well right there’s there’s people that come in, I mean the commitment is there, if you want the change.
202
00:24:48.210 –> 00:24:58.560
Jason Mefford: hypnotherapy will give you the chance, but if you come in and you say that you want the change, but you really don’t want the change then it’s not going to work for you.
203
00:24:59.010 –> 00:25:13.710
Jason Mefford: Right and so as an example, somebody that I know you know went in for two for two things right, I want to quit smoking and I want to lose weight, I totally understand that right, I mean Those are two of the biggest things that people use hypnotherapy for.
204
00:25:13.890 –> 00:25:14.670
Jason Mefford: right as well.
205
00:25:14.730 –> 00:25:22.530
Jason Mefford: Okay, so went in did did two sessions one session on quit smoking one session on losing weight.
206
00:25:24.150 –> 00:25:28.560
Jason Mefford: quit smoking boom done no problem.
207
00:25:30.600 –> 00:25:31.590
Jason Mefford: Losing weight.
208
00:25:33.210 –> 00:25:39.720
Jason Mefford: Not working so because the reason is right is this person had already decided.
209
00:25:41.070 –> 00:25:50.340
Jason Mefford: That they’re no longer a smoker and they’re just using hypnosis to confirm and program what they already know they want.
210
00:25:50.700 –> 00:26:03.630
Jason Mefford: Right now, for some reason the weight there’s some deeper identity issue that they have not let go of that they continue to, and they have not made the decision.
211
00:26:04.140 –> 00:26:12.780
Jason Mefford: To be someone you know, healthy and fit are some identities still attached to being overweight there’s a secondary gain to it.
212
00:26:13.410 –> 00:26:33.120
Jason Mefford: there’s an identity related things so, no matter how many you know hypnosis sessions this person would go to, no matter how much they try to do something, the way is not going to come off until they really want the weight to come off.
213
00:26:33.210 –> 00:26:35.550
Jason Mefford: yep i’m sure you’ve seen that, over and over again.
214
00:26:35.910 –> 00:26:46.590
Kathy Gruver: yep and, quite honestly, this is one of the reasons why I will not do weight loss hypnosis it is way too hard it’s yours it’s it, this is not, I mean it is a tough one.
215
00:26:47.580 –> 00:26:48.540
Jason Mefford: it’s also good so very.
216
00:26:48.720 –> 00:26:54.390
Jason Mefford: Good progress on that yeah and most people don’t don’t there’s some secondary gain.
217
00:26:54.540 –> 00:26:56.010
Jason Mefford: yep for being overweight.
218
00:26:56.310 –> 00:27:04.890
Kathy Gruver: yep or it has nothing to do with a way, it has to do with a comfort or i’m protecting myself or it’s not a sugar addiction it’s a comfort thing or it’s a.
219
00:27:05.130 –> 00:27:12.540
Kathy Gruver: When my dad had enough money he’d bring home cake, and now I look at sweets as a way to reassure me that everything’s Okay, I mean it’s such an issue.
220
00:27:12.870 –> 00:27:18.330
Kathy Gruver: i’ve had i’ve had a couple clients come for sugar addiction only to discover after about 15 minutes there’s nothing to do with sugar.
221
00:27:18.660 –> 00:27:24.900
Kathy Gruver: And that’s to do with all this other stuff it is so hard to unpack all that and you’re right, you have to be ready to do it.
222
00:27:25.530 –> 00:27:36.720
Kathy Gruver: Because you have gnosis is not magic you still have to take the steps i’m going to program you do not smoke, but then you go to a party and go i’m sure I can just have one, and you reach for the cigarette yeah.
223
00:27:37.680 –> 00:27:45.060
Kathy Gruver: Just doesn’t work so yeah cool we covered a lot of great stuff so we talked about it just being our brain all those different fears.
224
00:27:45.630 –> 00:27:50.460
Kathy Gruver: Being just plain stubborn having that secondary gain meaning you’re somehow getting a benefit from staying stuck.
225
00:27:50.820 –> 00:28:02.490
Kathy Gruver: Those outside forces which could be good or bad influences that just being a habit pouring ice tea into a pitcher versus a stupid and just being just plain lazy.
226
00:28:03.030 –> 00:28:11.610
Kathy Gruver: So, and we give you some good usable tips Those are the reasons, the big reasons why we tend to stay stuck and resistant to change, and this was great I love these two episodes.
227
00:28:12.750 –> 00:28:23.430
Jason Mefford: Great well yeah and so you know, take a takeaway for you again we get we gave you a lot of different tips and ways to get through it, you know, probably one of the first things is to have an honest conversation with yourself.
228
00:28:23.730 –> 00:28:24.060
Kathy Gruver: yep.
229
00:28:24.690 –> 00:28:25.980
Jason Mefford: Do you really want to change.
230
00:28:27.000 –> 00:28:34.410
Jason Mefford: And if you do we’ve given you some tips for exactly how you can do that if you don’t really want to change then don’t.
231
00:28:34.590 –> 00:28:35.370
Kathy Gruver: Which is fine.
232
00:28:35.580 –> 00:28:46.530
Jason Mefford: Which is fine just keep going, you know, keep doing what you’re doing at some point in the future, when you decide that you want to change then start implementing some of these things.
233
00:28:46.740 –> 00:28:48.630
Jason Mefford: yeah because I because again like.
234
00:28:49.260 –> 00:28:52.560
Jason Mefford: yeah because, again, unless you want the change.
235
00:28:53.640 –> 00:28:55.140
Jason Mefford: you’re not going to have the change.
236
00:28:55.260 –> 00:29:06.990
Jason Mefford: yeah and and so there’s going to be all these different things that we keep you know we’ve been talking about, you will find an excuse until you really want to change.
237
00:29:07.620 –> 00:29:22.410
Kathy Gruver: Absolutely yep I love it all right, everybody go out try something just a little bit different this week doesn’t have to be a huge thing just a little bit of change will help get you on the path to bigger changes, so I am Kathy gruver I can be reached at Kathy Griffin calm.
238
00:29:22.860 –> 00:29:33.120
Jason Mefford: i’m Jason method, I can be reached at Jason method calm so go out have a great rest of your week and we’ll catch you on the next episode of the fire and earth podcast see ya.
239
00:29:33.420 –> 00:29:33.900
See ya.
