Influence is a big part professional success, and many people conflate it with manipulation. Because Influence is not a negative thing, becoming an influential person comes from a place of goodness within ourselves.
Building success and happiness is rooted in influence. Whether it be you influencing others, or others influencing you.
So tune in to today’s episode with our special guest Brian Ahearn and learn how to build more fulfilling connections with others.
Learn more and contact Brian at: https://www.influencepeople.biz/ where you will also be able to find details about his new book “The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness” discussed in this episode, or you can find it through Amazon.
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Jason Mefford: Well, you know whether you realize it or not, pretty much everything that we do influences people in one way or another.
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Jason Mefford: The problem is that most people don’t have the skills or understanding of how to influence correctly, which often leads to relationship strain and challenges.
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Jason Mefford: So i’m excited for today’s episode i’ve got my friend, Brian a horn with me and we’re going to be talking more about influence, but some practical things that you can take away and actually improve your life have more success and actually be happier to so with that let’s roll that episode.
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Jason Mefford: All right, Brian well welcome my friend i’m excited to have you back.
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Brian Ahearn: it’s exciting to be back Jason.
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Brian Ahearn: that’s already been fun talking to you before you hit the record button.
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Jason Mefford: I know it’s like well i’m one of the other podcasts I do we used to do.
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Jason Mefford: Where we just record from the beginning and so there’d be a whole bunch of like crazy outtakes and things like that that we would do, and sometimes I feel like ah, we should have hit record before that was some really good stuff.
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Jason Mefford: But you know i’m i’m excited to have you back because we, we have a lot of the same kind of passion, where the same kind of guys and what we’re trying to accomplish in this world to and helping people.
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Jason Mefford: In so you know what you talk about what you’re an expert in is.
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Jason Mefford: amazing and it’s something that everybody needs to know right so so maybe just give a quick quick background on yourself, because you know again if people don’t know you they should know you and there’s there’s some serious reasons why they should so.
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Brian Ahearn: Well, I spent more than 30 years in the insurance industry and during that time came in contact with the work of Dr Robert cialdini the most cited living social psychologist in the world on the science of ethical influence.
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Brian Ahearn: And I was so intrigued by it back in the early 2000s that I pursued getting certified by him and i’m one of only a dozen people in the world.
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Brian Ahearn: who holds the child eenie method certified trainer designation now and it was almost three years ago that I left my corporate role to pursue influence people full time.
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Brian Ahearn: Where I now work with individuals and organizations speaking training, coaching consulting and writing about the science of influence and how they can bring it into their daily lives and benefit from it.
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Jason Mefford: yeah so I just want to recap something, because I think sometimes when we say things people don’t get it the first time.
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Jason Mefford: So everybody who’s listening right, the reason you need to listen to Brian you’ve probably heard of Robert cialdini.
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Jason Mefford: And the books influence in pre suasion right, you probably heard of that you might have even read the books well Brian is one.
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Jason Mefford: Did you hear that a dozen people in the world who’s actually been trained and certified by Bob so the guy knows what he’s talking about and.
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Jason Mefford: So i’m excited to have you back, because I know you’re you’re in the process of releasing a new book right so.
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Jason Mefford: So tell us a little bit about that book because I want to get in and talk about some of the characters you wrote this book in a different way.
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Jason Mefford: To than what you’ve done with your previous book so kind of explain a little bit about that and then let’s get in and and talk about some of the characters and some of the stories and learnings that we can get from this.
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Brian Ahearn: Well, the book is called the influencer with the subtitle secrets to success and happiness it’s really a business parable So my first book was a business psychology book influence people.
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Brian Ahearn: The second book, I came out with persuasive selling for relationship driven insurance agents very specific market and very specific theme sales.
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Brian Ahearn: And I knew that there are some people who won’t pick up a psychology book and some who won’t pick up a sales book.
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Brian Ahearn: But the genre of business parables is really, really popular, so I thought, if I take a stab at this, I might be able to hit a whole new audience that never would.
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Brian Ahearn: Think about reading a book about influence and yet it’s so important for our professional success and personal happiness, so that was the genesis of the idea and I have to say Jason that it’s the first time I really ever tried to write in a story format.
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Brian Ahearn: I mean, most of the time i’m writing things that are pretty technical and science related.
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Brian Ahearn: So this was a lot of fun felt a little bit like God kind of.
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Brian Ahearn: control the destiny of these character, create you create the characters yeah and you live out their lives.
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Brian Ahearn: And, and I knew I was onto something good, because my wife, I had downloaded the book into an APP I have, and I was listening to some of it with my wife and then I overheard her later saying.
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Brian Ahearn: It can’t believe it brian’s writing a book and it’s kind of like a novel and it’s it’s really good well.
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Jason Mefford: Well, and knowing your wife, she probably wouldn’t tell you that to your face, but you got to hear it, which is great right.
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Brian Ahearn: Sure yeah you see the Facebook post, so your listeners may not know, but you are 100% right.
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Jason Mefford: Well, and I think it’s you know because again there’s.
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Jason Mefford: there’s the nerds like you and me that we we do we read psychology books, we read these scientific studies and other stuff and we.
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Jason Mefford: We see we understand, but, most people don’t right and so yeah this business parable idea of actually.
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Jason Mefford: Showing people some real life situations and how influence works, because I think there’s there’s some some misconceptions that maybe we just hit at the beginning, here, and then we get into talk more about the characters.
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Jason Mefford: Is a lot of people think they’re influencing people when they’re really trying to manipulate or coerce people right so, so there is a big difference between those two.
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Jason Mefford: The other one is kind of around the fact that people don’t realize that everything we do is influencing someone in some way right and and a lot of the times it’s not the way we want it to be.
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Jason Mefford: Right right so so maybe let’s let’s hit on this kind of explain to people what is, what does influence actually really look like and how is that different from from how so many people think what they’re doing is but it’s really more manipulation.
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Brian Ahearn: Okay, great I when when I talk about influence and I add more specifically talk about persuasion.
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Brian Ahearn: I always ask people you know what’s your definition of persuasion and I usually will hear most of the comments revolving around changing how somebody thinks or feels about something.
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Brian Ahearn: And that might be a good first step Jason but it’s not always enough and, frankly, sometimes it’s not even needed.
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Brian Ahearn: Because I look at persuasion and I use aristotle’s definition the art of getting someone to do something that they wouldn’t ordinarily do if you didn’t ask.
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Brian Ahearn: So, if you think about that you know changing how somebody behaves based on how you communicate that’s really what it comes down to.
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Brian Ahearn: If you change how somebody thinks or fields that can be great.
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Brian Ahearn: But sometimes that’s not enough mean we’ve probably all had conversations with people where we’ve shared information we’ve changed how they thought or felt about something, but it didn’t translate into any kind of behavior change.
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Brian Ahearn: And quite often what we’re looking for is for somebody to do something so that’s how I focus on persuasion.
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Brian Ahearn: Now, if we can change how somebody thinks and feels and the beauty of that is sometimes it will take on the lasting impact.
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Brian Ahearn: Because if it changes how I think and feel, and then I start behaving in accordance with that it can change my core identity, and then I will more easily.
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Brian Ahearn: Live to that core identity so that’s how I can take on a lasting change so for me that’s persuasion, and I think the difference between.
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Brian Ahearn: What we talked about when we’re talking about influencing people and ethically persuading people is.
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Brian Ahearn: The difference between that and manipulation there’s three things that are core and and readers will see this when they read the book and go through the story and the main character john talks about this.
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Brian Ahearn: The first thing is that we always have to be truthful and Jason when I say truthful i’m not just talking about telling the truth we never hide the truth, either.
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Brian Ahearn: Because if there’s information that’s material to the decision and we’re withholding it, and then we try to say, well, you didn’t ask.
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Brian Ahearn: that’s not defensible nobody’s going to look at us as an ethical individual when they said you knew that and you didn’t share it.
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Brian Ahearn: But what we learn when we understand the influence processes, I can share some information that might actually work against my case.
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Brian Ahearn: But if I do it the right way I can gain credibility as an honest broker and that may take me even further, because.
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Brian Ahearn: Then I have an opportunity to continue and talk about the strengths and I gained this credibility, where someone says.
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Brian Ahearn: You know, he might not have had to tell me that, but the fact that he did I trust him, and so it gives more weight to the things that I share beyond that so that’s number one, we have to be truthful.
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Brian Ahearn: number two is, we only use psychology that’s natural to the situation and I think your listeners will will understand this one.
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Brian Ahearn: scarcity, that that feeling that we want something more if we think that it’s rare or going away.
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Brian Ahearn: will have scarcity, is not really available in the situation we don’t falsely claim that it is just because it might motivate people to take action.
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Brian Ahearn: that’s not being ethical to use psychology that’s not even present in the situation.
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Brian Ahearn: And then the third thing that we look for is creating a situation that’s mutually beneficial and the way the character explains it in the book is he says, good for you good for me then we’re good to go.
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Brian Ahearn: If we both really believe that we’re better off from the interaction and i’ve been truthful in terms of.
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Brian Ahearn: My honesty and sharing information and i’m only using psychology that’s natural in the situation, I can feel comfortable in terms of my being an ethical influencer and not manipulating people to do just something that I want.
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Jason Mefford: yeah I think I think that you know i’ve i’ve always kind of thought of it as a third one, but the but the other ones, about being truthful completely truthful.
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Jason Mefford: And then only what’s natural a situation I think it’s important to write because because, again, sometimes people will take those you know six or seven it depends on how you look at it right that the Bob kind of came up with and they’ll try to do all of them, but all of them aren’t relevant.
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Jason Mefford: And like you said, and so, if we’re trying to.
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Jason Mefford: scare somebody or use something like scarcity when scarcity doesn’t isn’t really in thing related to it that would actually erode our credibility right because people are smart they’re going to know.
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Jason Mefford: that’s not really true right.
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Brian Ahearn: yeah an example would be if you went to the store and you’re looking at something and a sales person says.
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Brian Ahearn: Oh, this is the last one now, this also borders on just lying but specific to the to the psychology they say Oh, this is the last one.
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Brian Ahearn: Which is scarcity, and it makes you want that thing more, because if you don’t buy it somebody else is going to get it.
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Brian Ahearn: So if you make that purchase and you go back to the store the next day.
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Brian Ahearn: And you see that item out again, or you hear that salesperson use the same line on somebody else you’re going to feel like you, are manipulated.
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Brian Ahearn: You made a decision, because you thought, if you didn’t in the moment you were going to lose the opportunity, but the reality was you would never you’re never going to lose the opportunity yeah.
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Jason Mefford: Well, in the last one about you know, good for you good for me good to go I think that’s where you know, Adam grant in one of his books talks about takers matters and givers right, and I think so so much of the time you know it’s like what is our intention behind what we’re doing.
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Jason Mefford: So if we’re influencing somebody it should be mutually beneficial right we’re not the snake oil salesman the slick used car salesman of.
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Jason Mefford: just trying to get some sucker to buy this lemon of a car right that’s good for us.
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Jason Mefford: But it’s not necessarily good for them right, so a lot of it seems to kind of go back to the intention of Why are you doing this, and even in sales right so i’m not i’m not bad mouth and sales, I mean.
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Jason Mefford: But, but a great salesperson realizes right that it’s in your best interest to have this whatever it is right, they know that your life is going to be better, as a result of it.
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Jason Mefford: And it seems like they’re thinking about you and your best interest yes they’re going to get the Commission it’s going to be good for them, but if it’s not good for you that’s kind of when they cross the line I think right.
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Brian Ahearn: Exactly and there’s nothing wrong with a salesperson earning a Commission in when they sell their product or service as long as they know that it’s not just benefiting them by Commission but it’s also helping the other person.
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Brian Ahearn: And in the book and throughout the story, the main character john early in his career spending time with the salesperson learns one of these keys to success and happiness is the principle of liking.
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Brian Ahearn: That not just getting people to like you so they’ll do what you want, but coming to like the people that you’re with.
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Brian Ahearn: Because once that happens, the more I get to know and, like you, Jason The more I watch your best and that’s what really starts naturally removing manipulation from the equation because.
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Brian Ahearn: I know you would never manipulate your friends and I wouldn’t manipulate my friends, so I always encourage people do what you can.
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Brian Ahearn: To make friends with the people that you’re interacting with and so through the story format john begins to learn this first and foremost, as he travels with a really seasoned.
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Brian Ahearn: salesperson who it’s so apparent to him as a new recruit in this company that wow these clients really seem to like this individual.
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Brian Ahearn: And so, he starts, asking them what is it about your relationship with them, why do, why do they like you so much, and then the guy tells them I don’t do anything to get people to like me.
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Brian Ahearn: Of course john presses a little more, and he goes, you must be doing something, and he goes nope never tried to get anybody to like me I just do everything I can to like my clients and then it’s like a light bulb come on moment for john like wow that makes all the sense in the world.
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Jason Mefford: Okay, so you heard to use the word light bulb to right so everybody rewind well you can’t rewind right now but.
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Jason Mefford: So will tell tell you again right, one of the keys to success and happiness is learning to, like the other people.
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Jason Mefford: Right it’s not so much about them liking, you and trying to be a different person right I love I love how that salesperson said that I never tried to get anybody to like me.
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Jason Mefford: I tried to like them right and and so showing up, you know as we are because, because I think that’s something that sometimes people think, I have to be somebody different.
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Jason Mefford: In order for people to like me and so we’re putting on this false front we’re lying we’re feeling bad about you know who I really am i’m not really showing up as I as who I really am right and it’s it’s so.
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Jason Mefford: That is a great great piece of advice.
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Jason Mefford: Well, I.
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Brian Ahearn: Love him Jason full I.
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Jason Mefford: know you are that’s why I love you man.
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Jason Mefford: Well, so so let’s get into let’s talk about some of the characters because we’ve already started, you know you said john is kind of the the narrator through this the main character.
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Jason Mefford: And, and you know he has interactions with different people right so so let’s talk about you know, maybe some of the characters that are in here and.
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Jason Mefford: And some of the some of the lessons because again what I love that you did with this is.
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Jason Mefford: you’re trying to show like real life examples that we all experience right and so that’s why this book is not for insurance sales people or or the psychology is for all of us right because we’re all.
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Jason Mefford: living with this we’re all in relationship with other people and the better we can do at that right, the more success and happiness we’re actually going to have.
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Brian Ahearn: Here well in the book the character, the we follow the the life of this individual john Andrews and he goes to college and, like many of us he.
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Brian Ahearn: takes classes and one of them really seems to resonate with him his freshman year and it’s just a site, one on one class where he’s introduced.
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Brian Ahearn: To a little bit of this psychology and then, like most college kids he promptly forgets it when he goes home for the summer and the next three years of school.
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Brian Ahearn: But when he gets out into the into the work world and he starts his career he starts remembering some of what he learned and he begins to put these pieces together as he meets these individuals now i’ll tell your listeners that.
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Brian Ahearn: Almost every person in the book ultimately is someone that I know in real life and I learned some tremendous things from, and I was able to say oh that’s.
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Brian Ahearn: Really, this particular principle that’s what I really am taking away from my relationship with them so i’ll give you one example.
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Brian Ahearn: In the book john as he is traveling through new Mexico and his sales job he meets an individual name out.
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Brian Ahearn: Our is running a family practice medical facility and john notices that these people seem to really be connected almost like family, so we asked some about it over lunch.
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Brian Ahearn: And what Al tells them really surprises john l tells them that he is alcoholic and and john’s like I never met anybody who is alcoholic or recovering alcoholic and.
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Brian Ahearn: And al’s assuring him it’s Okay, not to worry, but what he teaches them is the principle of unity that Robert cialdini talks about.
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Brian Ahearn: and unity is about shared identity that it’s easier for us to say yes to those who are of us have our tribe, so to speak.
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Brian Ahearn: And what what john learns from Allah and Allah is a real person that I actually learned this from.
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Brian Ahearn: In the story Al reveals to him that most of the people who are working for him are recovering alcoholics.
00:18:21.630 –> 00:18:28.380
Brian Ahearn: And that there’s this deep bond that if you if you are recovering alcoholic you can look at another alcoholic.
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Brian Ahearn: recovering and know where they are and what they’re going through that other people can’t really understand.
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Brian Ahearn: And so that mutual deep connection and affection, that they have for each other that’s what john was observing that’s why they were so close.
00:18:43.290 –> 00:18:55.110
Brian Ahearn: And so, through the course of the conversation over lunch it really drops from his head to his heart that he now understands at a deep level what this principle is because he’s seen it play out in front of his eyes.
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Jason Mefford: And it’s it’s interesting because, as you bring that up you know there, there is that.
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Jason Mefford: Fraternity brotherhood you know sisterhood right what well whatever sort of a thing that we when we feel that shared identity with somebody else right and so yeah in that instance recovering alcoholics they understand they get it right.
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Jason Mefford: But I think what’s interesting, and so I wanted to ask you this is but doesn’t that also mean that we have to be.
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Jason Mefford: in a position to share a little bit about us which may feel a little vulnerable in order to have some of those unity connections right.
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Jason Mefford: Because yeah in that instance okay recovering alcoholic or you know I know there’s there’s a there’s a they make Tortilla chips and stuff like that, here in La they hire a lot of.
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Jason Mefford: People out of the criminal justice system.
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Jason Mefford: Right people who’ve come out of prison jail.
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Jason Mefford: For something a lot of people won’t hire them because of that they specifically do that because they’re trying to help rehabilitate so it it’s got that same kind of a feeling to it but.
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Jason Mefford: In order for us right to find our tribe don’t, we have to actually open up and share a little bit more about who we actually are even when it’s something that we might be embarrassed about like hey i’m a recovering alcoholic right some people might be ashamed or embarrassed about that.
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Brian Ahearn: yeah if you if you don’t find that out about somebody, then it will probably be up to them to be authentic and feel comfortable sharing that.
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Brian Ahearn: My friend owl, who is a real person that this individual in the book is based on.
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Brian Ahearn: did just that it was over 30 years ago when I had just started with the insurance company that i’m no longer with and I was about six weeks into.
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Brian Ahearn: My job there, and I get a call from our and and we start this conversation, and he basically says look if.
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Brian Ahearn: If you’ve been looking at any of my work, and you have questions about it, I got to be up front with you, I just got out of six weeks of.
00:21:07.020 –> 00:21:22.500
Brian Ahearn: Alcohol rehab and i’m on the road to recovery and and i’m taking the steps and and I just was so blown away by his honesty and we formed a deep connection that here we are more than 30 years later and i’m hopefully going to see him in just over a week when i’m out.
00:21:23.700 –> 00:21:30.840
Brian Ahearn: traveling some, but it was amazing to see his recovery and to see how he is now helping people.
00:21:31.590 –> 00:21:39.990
Brian Ahearn: And so that’s that’s what I learned from him but it’s it did start with him being authentic about here’s who I am, and this is what’s going on with me.
00:21:40.260 –> 00:21:55.830
Brian Ahearn: And what I found to Jason is when i’m that way with people, they naturally start opening up it’s kind of the reciprocation the rule for reciprocity that when you are very self revealing it gives people freedom to feel like they can be revealing with you in a trusted way.
00:21:56.310 –> 00:22:00.570
Jason Mefford: yeah yeah and again it said you got to give before you get.
00:22:00.960 –> 00:22:08.190
Jason Mefford: Right from from the reciprocity side, but I think it’s you know it also then seems like it’s incumbent upon us.
00:22:08.400 –> 00:22:22.620
Jason Mefford: As maybe the other side of that right, that when people share something about themselves that we need to be curious about that we need to ask about it, and especially if if there’s.
00:22:23.700 –> 00:22:35.460
Jason Mefford: You know, things that that you know, maybe come up so so that that we we go down that path, I guess, is what i’m saying, and the reason i’m thinking about this, as somebody that I.
00:22:36.450 –> 00:22:48.180
Jason Mefford: didn’t know you know it was our first time of actually having a video call, where I was getting to know this person better and it just came up right in in.
00:22:48.900 –> 00:22:55.770
Jason Mefford: In our discussion about some of my kids and the fact that two of my kids are adopted through foster care.
00:22:56.430 –> 00:23:11.520
Jason Mefford: And I don’t even know how that came up in our discussion, but all of a sudden, I saw her eyes perk up and she said, did you just say that you had kit you were a foster parent and I said yeah and she said, I was a foster child.
00:23:12.420 –> 00:23:14.850
Jason Mefford: Right so it’s like all of a sudden it’s like.
00:23:15.540 –> 00:23:17.760
Jason Mefford: I don’t even know how we got there.
00:23:17.970 –> 00:23:29.580
Jason Mefford: Right right, but the fact that she that I shared that, for whatever reason, made her share that now we have that unity, or that deeper connection that’s kind of what you’re talking about right.
00:23:29.910 –> 00:23:34.230
Brian Ahearn: Right and and that’s what we talked about shared identity, it goes much deeper than having a.
00:23:34.620 –> 00:23:43.170
Brian Ahearn: something in common, or something similar, like cheering for the same team, you know, there can be close knit miss with with fans and certain things like that, but.
00:23:43.530 –> 00:23:52.890
Brian Ahearn: You know her reaction to what you shared you know was deep in her core and her self identity and so it’s touching part of your identity to that you can have.
00:23:53.340 –> 00:24:03.330
Brian Ahearn: This conversation that very few other people are going to understand from the perspective of being the Foster parent and being the Foster child so that’s a brilliant example.
00:24:04.170 –> 00:24:09.450
Jason Mefford: yeah well and I, and I think it’s you know again it’s the the The more that we can open up and share.
00:24:09.570 –> 00:24:14.130
Jason Mefford: Right, the more we can have these connections and ultimately that’s what people want right so.
00:24:14.580 –> 00:24:29.220
Jason Mefford: So, again folks you can choose to like wall yourself off and not let anybody know anything about yourself, but if you want these deeper connections with other people you’ve got to be willing to share.
00:24:29.340 –> 00:24:29.700
Jason Mefford: Right.
00:24:30.090 –> 00:24:36.390
Jason Mefford: And I think you know i’ve seen this in in some of the different you know coaching programs other things that i’m in myself.
00:24:36.810 –> 00:24:54.030
Jason Mefford: And I remember one of my coaches saying you know what what you think is most personal is most general, meaning that there’s a lot of other people that have gone through some of these same things that you might be embarrassed about.
00:24:55.380 –> 00:25:10.680
Jason Mefford: You know a lot of other people have done that, too, I think the me to movement showed that right in a big way on social media that whole there’s a lot of women who have gone through some similar kinds of things right so.
00:25:12.060 –> 00:25:13.950
Jason Mefford: yeah Al sounds like a great guy.
00:25:14.940 –> 00:25:26.430
Brian Ahearn: He is he is he’s a wonderful guy and and you know from all the stories that I heard the other thing I remember learning from him to his I told him one day we were talking about faith and that’s a big part of a.
00:25:27.030 –> 00:25:35.760
Brian Ahearn: And I said, you know I said i’ve heard all the stories, I mean i’ve heard all the stories about you know chasing women and wild nights and all that stuff and I said but.
00:25:36.300 –> 00:25:44.370
Brian Ahearn: The only guy that i’ve ever known is sober owl and I said I really think that’s how God sees us that he doesn’t forget what’s happened.
00:25:44.700 –> 00:25:59.520
Brian Ahearn: But he sees us as who we are, in him, and at this point, and again I never forgot that that revelation for me and he didn’t either, and it was conversations like that that kept us close knit for all these years, even though we live geographically pretty far apart.
00:26:00.450 –> 00:26:02.580
Jason Mefford: yeah it was that in intimacy.
00:26:03.300 –> 00:26:07.170
Jason Mefford: You actually had by sharing those kinds of things with each other.
00:26:07.440 –> 00:26:14.220
Jason Mefford: Right now and again the faith, the faith side of it again that was something that was common between both of you, and you could understand that, but.
00:26:14.760 –> 00:26:22.140
Jason Mefford: I think, to as you, as you say that it’s it’s an important thing too, because I know the tagline on your book, you know secrets to success and happiness.
00:26:22.650 –> 00:26:31.590
Jason Mefford: You know that you just shared another one to write with people and they probably didn’t even realize it is the past doesn’t exist anymore.
00:26:31.980 –> 00:26:44.280
Jason Mefford: Right, so why beat yourself up about it, you know again if you have if you’re a person of faith God sees you as you are now right and all of us should see.
00:26:44.730 –> 00:26:47.280
Jason Mefford: each other and see ourselves.
00:26:47.880 –> 00:26:50.400
Jason Mefford: exactly as we are now.
00:26:50.910 –> 00:26:58.200
Brian Ahearn: And something i’ll say this this isn’t a book, but you know we joked about we’ll see where this conversation goes we didn’t know probably going here.
00:26:58.950 –> 00:27:10.590
Brian Ahearn: a really good friend of mine defined intimacy this way into me see meaning i’m gonna let you see into me, that is my intimacy for other people.
00:27:11.010 –> 00:27:18.030
Brian Ahearn: And I think that when we take that step, and it can be a little scary, but when we take that step that usually.
00:27:18.810 –> 00:27:30.660
Brian Ahearn: reciprocation usually comes back where people again feel comfortable like wow you’re revealing something about yourself, and I can feel confident trustworthy that I can do the same with you, and now we have connection.
00:27:31.050 –> 00:27:37.230
Jason Mefford: yeah well and and it’s one of those two where so many people want intimacy in their life.
00:27:38.400 –> 00:27:46.380
Jason Mefford: But they’re not willing to be intimate with themselves or with the other person because, like you said, we have to share something.
00:27:46.920 –> 00:27:55.950
Jason Mefford: Personal about ourselves, and again it’s not about over sharing or anything like that, but, but there are those certain things that will connect us together.
00:27:56.490 –> 00:28:04.920
Jason Mefford: and, obviously, when you have that kind of a connection with people you have more of an influence over them because they trust you they get you.
00:28:05.310 –> 00:28:11.250
Jason Mefford: They realize right that that’s that that third one that you talked about is mutually beneficial right.
00:28:12.180 –> 00:28:29.640
Jason Mefford: You know I know we’re friends and I know that you’re never going to say or do anything to me that wouldn’t be in my best interest exactly even, even if I might not understand it at first right like if i’m doing something stupid and you’re like Jason pull your head out of your ass.
00:28:31.470 –> 00:28:35.730
Jason Mefford: I know brian’s coming from a good place in telling me to pull my head out.
00:28:36.120 –> 00:28:44.400
Jason Mefford: Right he’s not he’s not doing it to try to beat on me he’s doing it to try to help me because he loves me and he knows me and we’re friends.
00:28:44.550 –> 00:28:44.970
Jason Mefford: Right.
00:28:45.540 –> 00:28:46.050
00:28:47.460 –> 00:28:53.580
Jason Mefford: Alright well what are some of the other characters that you’d like to talk about so we can we can learn some more.
00:28:55.320 –> 00:28:56.550
Jason Mefford: Of these secrets.
00:28:56.850 –> 00:28:57.360
Jason Mefford: Like I said.
00:28:57.990 –> 00:29:08.130
Brian Ahearn: So there’s another character in the book and and in the book his nickname is Bud beauty and he is modeled after a friend of mine, whose nickname is pud pod and.
00:29:08.640 –> 00:29:09.270
Brian Ahearn: Most people.
00:29:09.600 –> 00:29:11.970
Brian Ahearn: Probably don’t hear that nickname and but.
00:29:12.840 –> 00:29:17.010
Brian Ahearn: In the book john and his wife abigail they move in beside.
00:29:18.180 –> 00:29:22.590
Brian Ahearn: As neighbors to Bud and and they start to realize, something that man this guy.
00:29:23.130 –> 00:29:28.800
Brian Ahearn: he’s like always helping everybody in the neighborhood and you always seem so happy, in doing so.
00:29:29.190 –> 00:29:39.690
Brian Ahearn: And so john has a conversation with one day after they’re done cutting the grass and they just got a beer and they’re talking and and he and he brings that up to him and he says that he notices he seems to get more joy.
00:29:40.410 –> 00:29:47.820
Brian Ahearn: Out of seeing his friends happy than his own happiness, I mean he just like he’s pulling for them even more than he’s pulling for himself.
00:29:48.300 –> 00:29:52.770
Brian Ahearn: And then Bud starts to reveal he’s like well I learned a long time ago it’s better to give than receive and.
00:29:53.310 –> 00:29:59.310
Brian Ahearn: In that the reward when I give is the joy that I get and then he says, and I started to realize.
00:29:59.700 –> 00:30:13.110
Brian Ahearn: my joy can be unlimited by the ability for my for me to give and help people and then john is like taking back and he’s like did you grow up in church and he says no, and he goes but that’s better than any pastor i’ve ever heard.
00:30:13.950 –> 00:30:19.050
Brian Ahearn: Say say that and and then the guys joking about well, I think I like Scotch too much to be a pastor.
00:30:20.550 –> 00:30:23.520
Jason Mefford: You need both buddy my friend.
00:30:23.580 –> 00:30:32.130
Brian Ahearn: My friend he enjoys his drink and and he loves life and you can’t help, but having fun when you’re around them, and I really did learn that because.
00:30:32.490 –> 00:30:37.260
Brian Ahearn: One one year we were out in California and my friend pud his daughter is getting married.
00:30:37.590 –> 00:30:45.660
Brian Ahearn: And Jane my wife really wanted to play Torrey pines we were down in San Diego and she said, I still want to play that because they played the US open there and.
00:30:45.900 –> 00:31:00.360
Brian Ahearn: So my friend is like what time do you need to be at the chorus because I got a car, and she said, we probably need to be there by 630 okay be downstairs at 545 and and true to word, he was there and and she got on and i’m watching him and he.
00:31:03.210 –> 00:31:09.090
Brian Ahearn: He just seemed happier for Jane than even she was to get to play.
00:31:10.020 –> 00:31:21.300
Brian Ahearn: And that’s such a rare quality and anyway in the book this guy Bud brings that to life and again john so john leaseholder that and he starts to realize, too, that you know what.
00:31:22.110 –> 00:31:33.690
Brian Ahearn: By by giving and helping my joy is unlimited and so i’ve learned that, from my friend, and now I can share that with other people, and hopefully they’ll get touched in the same way that I was when I learned that.
00:31:34.710 –> 00:31:37.230
Jason Mefford: yeah and I think it’s you know that’s that’s one of those.
00:31:38.340 –> 00:31:39.900
Jason Mefford: Life lessons that.
00:31:40.020 –> 00:31:41.460
Jason Mefford: Often we never.
00:31:41.940 –> 00:31:47.730
Jason Mefford: We never learn, or we learn too late in life right because you know.
00:31:49.110 –> 00:31:56.820
Jason Mefford: i’m no different than anybody else I mean there’s a lot of times in my life when i’m all about me, even though I think.
00:31:57.810 –> 00:32:16.530
Jason Mefford: i’m about you know, helping or serving a lot of times when i’ve done things I realized after the fact, and little embarrassed about it is that will was my intention really in the right place or was, I still thinking about what’s Jason going to get out of this.
00:32:16.590 –> 00:32:23.850
Jason Mefford: yeah right and it’s that point when you can when you can switch that you know, like the character Bud does.
00:32:24.210 –> 00:32:32.430
Jason Mefford: That if you’re really happier and looking for other people’s success and helping them.
00:32:32.880 –> 00:32:34.500
Jason Mefford: Their does it becomes unlimited.
00:32:34.800 –> 00:32:45.450
Jason Mefford: Right, because you can have the fancy private jet you can have the Rolls Royce those things at the end of the day after you got them they don’t really mean much.
00:32:46.410 –> 00:32:48.600
Jason Mefford: yep, but these relationships, it sounds like.
00:32:49.170 –> 00:32:54.060
Brian Ahearn: Unless you can take those good things that you’ve gotten and you can share them with people so that they can say wow i’ve.
00:32:54.450 –> 00:33:04.170
Brian Ahearn: never been on a private jet or i’ve never been on a rolls and thank you so, and now you are you’re giving to create that happiness for people in, hopefully, you can step back and say you know.
00:33:04.470 –> 00:33:13.440
Brian Ahearn: Thank you, Lord that I got this this rolls whatever that nice thing is and that other people who might not have had an opportunity, get to share in this with me.
00:33:14.250 –> 00:33:19.200
Jason Mefford: yeah because that’s that’s where again it’s but by yourself, not a lot of fun.
00:33:19.440 –> 00:33:27.810
Jason Mefford: Right, but when your friends around you and yeah I would love to have a private jet maybe someday I will write and i’ll say hey pilot go out and pick up Brian.
00:33:29.730 –> 00:33:41.100
Brian Ahearn: And you know, having relationship with people is important too, because you know when I was out in California, a couple years ago and we had an opportunity to to me you got to meet some of my friends, but you got to meet Jane.
00:33:42.720 –> 00:33:51.240
Brian Ahearn: And for all the joking that I do on Facebook about her and it’s all in good nature and it makes her laugh too, but I always tell people, and this is the god’s honest truth.
00:33:51.690 –> 00:33:58.710
Brian Ahearn: Anything I do is better when she’s there because I feel like I can be myself.
00:33:59.430 –> 00:34:07.710
Brian Ahearn: Most authentically because nobody gets me like she does and so all that banter that we have and sometimes it makes people’s eyes go why like, why did you say that.
00:34:08.070 –> 00:34:14.610
Brian Ahearn: And she starts laughing, but I just feel like I can be so free around her so it doesn’t matter if i’m hanging out with the guys or whatever i’m doing.
00:34:14.940 –> 00:34:27.660
Brian Ahearn: I love having her because it just makes it better, and I think that when people have relationships like that, then you don’t want to just be off by yourself, you want to be around people, because your joy gets magnified by their presence.
00:34:27.930 –> 00:34:35.970
Jason Mefford: yeah well and the comfort and the ease that comes from it right because, like you said you don’t have to put up any pretenses.
00:34:36.060 –> 00:34:43.110
Jason Mefford: You can just be your authentic real self she gets you she understands she knows your heart.
00:34:43.650 –> 00:34:49.470
Jason Mefford: Right, and again I mean yeah you guys have the joking back and forth she gives it just as much as you do right.
00:34:49.680 –> 00:35:01.980
Jason Mefford: yeah so it’s it’s but it’s it’s Those are the kinds of relationships that we’re trying to develop right and what’s what’s interesting again is yes.
00:35:02.400 –> 00:35:15.540
Jason Mefford: All the psychological you know all the scientific research that has gone into you know what does it take to influence people well, those are also the same things.
00:35:16.170 –> 00:35:34.560
Jason Mefford: For us to have better relationships with the people around us right, I mean that’s kind of what i’m hearing from from this book as well right it’s not it’s not necessarily about influencing people to make a sale this just makes us happier and houses live a better life yeah.
00:35:34.980 –> 00:35:46.410
Brian Ahearn: yeah you don’t do it for the reward but you do end up getting a reward you know that you don’t help people so that you’ll get something, but you do end up getting something and it’s not the tangible it’s that it’s that.
00:35:46.980 –> 00:35:57.990
Brian Ahearn: Knowledge inside of how good it feels to be that giver and to help and if more people did that I think we’d have a lot less problems in this country rather than where we are right now, with so many things.
00:35:59.250 –> 00:36:03.210
Jason Mefford: Well yeah and that’s what i’ve heard a few people say you know when you when when I thank them.
00:36:03.750 –> 00:36:13.020
Jason Mefford: They say no, thank you and at first it’s kind of like what what are you talking about you did me a service right, I mean i’m appreciative for it right, thank you for doing that.
00:36:13.650 –> 00:36:27.870
Jason Mefford: But the people who get it they’re like no, thank you, because without you and me, being able to serve and do that to help you I wouldn’t have gotten yeah I they they feel like they get more out of it.
00:36:28.890 –> 00:36:29.910
Jason Mefford: than what I got out of it.
00:36:30.330 –> 00:36:37.140
Brian Ahearn: yeah so let me i’m going to share something that’s not in the book but it’s so relevant to to what you’re saying.
00:36:37.650 –> 00:36:42.240
Brian Ahearn: I got back on the road not too long ago I was in a another city.
00:36:42.660 –> 00:36:53.580
Brian Ahearn: And one night I didn’t have plans to have dinner with somebody so I was going to sit down at the bar there’s only two seats available one guy is sitting in between the two seats and and.
00:36:54.030 –> 00:37:04.530
Brian Ahearn: It looked like he had some kind of disability, I mean the way he was moving the way he was talking and truthfully and I know this isn’t the right attitude, but truthfully I was like.
00:37:05.220 –> 00:37:12.600
Brian Ahearn: I want to sit here do I want to get into this conversation I wish Jane or abigail were here because they do work with people with disabilities.
00:37:12.840 –> 00:37:18.270
Brian Ahearn: Jane plays golf with the blind man and abigail is an interpreter for the Deaf and that’s so out of my comfort zone.
00:37:18.840 –> 00:37:30.450
Brian Ahearn: But I felt like a little prompting and I believe was God and I sat down and started having a conversation with this guy and turned out, he wasn’t had no disabilities, he just was really, really drunk I mean.
00:37:30.690 –> 00:37:31.470
Brian Ahearn: Really drunk.
00:37:31.980 –> 00:37:38.640
Brian Ahearn: And I won’t go into his situation, but I sat there for hours and had a great conversation with him.
00:37:39.300 –> 00:37:49.530
Brian Ahearn: And I said hey I really enjoyed talking to you here’s my card, and if you want to connect after this feel free to Well he did he connected with me on on Facebook and he started messaging me.
00:37:50.190 –> 00:37:57.900
Brian Ahearn: Later, and we ended up having a conversation, a few weeks later and and he you know revealed some things about you know where he was at in life.
00:37:58.530 –> 00:38:08.070
Brian Ahearn: And, and he said, why did you choose to talk to me and I said well i’m gonna be honest with you, I didn’t really want to because feeling this prompting and and.
00:38:09.210 –> 00:38:16.770
Brian Ahearn: And I said, but you know what I said I will never for the rest of my life forget who you are and what happened that night because.
00:38:17.010 –> 00:38:22.560
Brian Ahearn: You may feel like it was it was, for your benefit, you may feel like wow God put this person in my life but i’m saying.
00:38:23.100 –> 00:38:35.100
Brian Ahearn: God put you in my life to clearly show me that he was tapping me on the shoulder to say sit down and have that conversation so so you know he’s like saying thank you and i’m like no, thank you.
00:38:35.370 –> 00:38:43.230
Brian Ahearn: Because I so clearly understood what happened there and I think that there’s going to be a relationship that goes on for a long time, but I will never ever.
00:38:43.500 –> 00:38:52.980
Brian Ahearn: Forget you and we had a wonderful conversation after that, and those are the kind of things, although that’s not in the book, but those are the kinds of things that I want people to draw out.
00:38:53.340 –> 00:39:05.910
Brian Ahearn: Of the book that this isn’t just about getting to do stuff to get what I want it’s about doing things that genuinely benefit people, you will get a reward for that, and you will feel better and everybody wins.
00:39:06.840 –> 00:39:09.300
Jason Mefford: yeah cuz it’s it.
00:39:10.410 –> 00:39:17.010
Jason Mefford: You had to get out of your comfort zone, though, to do that right so again some other lessons for people that are that are sitting here learning right it’s it’s like.
00:39:17.490 –> 00:39:29.700
Jason Mefford: If you want that kind of intimacy in your life if you want these kinds of things that happen, sometimes we actually got to get off her button go do stuff right, you know and good on you, for for kind of feeling that.
00:39:30.990 –> 00:39:41.940
Jason Mefford: And and making that connection right because that’s a real life example of your life was better for it his life was better for it that’s the kinds of.
00:39:42.330 –> 00:39:51.270
Jason Mefford: of human interactions that we want to have and and you know a lot of times I mean we don’t know where it’s going to go so just be open to some of the possibilities right.
00:39:51.660 –> 00:39:55.800
Brian Ahearn: And now to circle back to the character Allen the book I in real life.
00:39:56.460 –> 00:40:04.830
Brian Ahearn: I told this person about out, and I said, would you be interested in talking to him, because you know he’s been sober more than 30 years and he said yes, I hope these two people.
00:40:05.160 –> 00:40:12.660
Brian Ahearn: And my wife was like oh my gosh it’s like your book is playing out in real life i’m like because because, because the character.
00:40:13.140 –> 00:40:26.670
Brian Ahearn: john does bump into somebody later in the book who’s got a drinking problem, and he hooks them up with Alan the book and so you know it was like wow this is playing out now in real life, and it was just so wonderful to be a part of it all.
00:40:27.690 –> 00:40:36.660
Jason Mefford: Oh that’s what happens when we create my friend things things come to pass that’s another topic for another podcast.
00:40:38.700 –> 00:40:48.210
Jason Mefford: But you know thanks thanks thanks for coming on this is it’s really good stuff I mean I I love you I love what you’re doing and.
00:40:49.140 –> 00:41:05.010
Jason Mefford: ne ne ne any final thoughts, you know for people on this, I mean obviously go out get brian’s book when it drops, you know so make sure will let people know where that is, I think you can get it off your website, but will also be on Amazon so maybe if you want to want to share that information.
00:41:05.370 –> 00:41:18.270
Brian Ahearn: Sure, so my website is influence people dot biz bi Z and so, once the book is available there will be links from the book and, yes, it will be on Amazon, it will be in paperback and.
00:41:18.780 –> 00:41:29.940
Brian Ahearn: ebook versions so yeah i’d say you know go out there and pick that up I would love for people to read it and take away some of the interesting things that we’ve been talking about here and that.
00:41:30.300 –> 00:41:34.170
Brian Ahearn: The goal for that and the goal, and what I do Jason and we were talking about this earlier.
00:41:34.680 –> 00:41:42.480
Brian Ahearn: My mission for my business is professional success and personal happiness and I really believe that, if I can teach people how to ethically influence others.
00:41:42.810 –> 00:41:50.010
Brian Ahearn: getting people to say yes to you at the office it’s pretty critical for your success you’ll enjoy more success if you understand how to do that.
00:41:50.250 –> 00:41:56.040
Brian Ahearn: But when you go home and you have conversations and interactions with your your kids your spouse your neighbors.
00:41:56.310 –> 00:42:06.180
Brian Ahearn: If you’re able to communicate that makes it easier for them to say yes to you you’re probably going to have more peace and happiness and so that’s what I want people to draw out of the book and that’s why it’s.
00:42:06.420 –> 00:42:16.830
Brian Ahearn: The subtitle is the secrets to success and happiness, most people will intuitively understand what i’m sharing in the book because it’s human psychology and they’re human beings.
00:42:17.280 –> 00:42:23.160
Brian Ahearn: But they don’t sometimes step back and think about how to put that into practice and, as we talked about earlier.
00:42:23.730 –> 00:42:26.940
Brian Ahearn: You know, when we when we talk about being authentic.
00:42:27.300 –> 00:42:40.170
Brian Ahearn: Everybody would love authenticity, but they’re always waiting for the other person, but when we start to learn that if I take that step reciprocity that play most people will reciprocate and I can start having what I want by giving what I want.
00:42:40.740 –> 00:42:52.620
Jason Mefford: yeah and that that kind of reminded me, you know something I think that we talked about before we hit record that I want to make sure is is the intention out the the intentional nature.
00:42:53.130 –> 00:43:01.650
Jason Mefford: Of this as well right, because what you just said right we we want to wait until the other person does something that’s not how it works folks you got to be the first one.
00:43:02.340 –> 00:43:18.240
Jason Mefford: And, and we have to actually be intentional about it right, I mean you can choose to just randomly you know being around in life and get to some random place but wouldn’t you rather be a little bit more intentional.
00:43:19.620 –> 00:43:26.940
Jason Mefford: and actually get to where you want to go right and sometimes that means us being a little uncomfortable like Do I really sit down.
00:43:27.300 –> 00:43:38.100
Jason Mefford: Next to that guy at the bar right, I mean i’ve had a lot of experiences like that to where it’s like these random chance encounters and it’s like holy shit i’m going to remember that for my whole life.
00:43:38.160 –> 00:43:39.690
Jason Mefford: Right, that was the most.
00:43:40.110 –> 00:43:45.690
Jason Mefford: One of the most interesting people I have ever met in my life and.
00:43:46.740 –> 00:43:59.850
Jason Mefford: i’m glad I didn’t miss that opportunity right and so again that’s what I think is so great about the book it’s something that’s easy for people to consume, but then folks you got to actually do something with it.
00:44:00.030 –> 00:44:02.130
Jason Mefford: You got to actually try it you got to.
00:44:02.490 –> 00:44:09.000
Jason Mefford: put some of these things in place, but you know from brian’s life from my life, it works.
00:44:10.140 –> 00:44:10.710
Brian Ahearn: Does.
00:44:11.310 –> 00:44:13.890
Jason Mefford: It works, they need any any final thoughts.
00:44:14.910 –> 00:44:26.610
Brian Ahearn: um I just say this, thank you, thank you for having me back on you know it was just random that I joked in reply back to the email and you’re asking what’s going on, I said I got the book, you know hey come back on the show so.
00:44:27.000 –> 00:44:33.150
Brian Ahearn: I had been a while, since we’ve seen each other and talked, and so this was just a lot of fun, so thank you for having me on.
00:44:33.840 –> 00:44:38.970
Jason Mefford: Well you’re welcome and no, thank you right because.
00:44:40.320 –> 00:44:51.270
Jason Mefford: Just like with everything I mean we we we learn right, I mean our relationship is stronger now as a result of it, too, which is great, because I think you’re fabulous guy and.
00:44:52.200 –> 00:45:03.480
Jason Mefford: yeah I have to tell you some other stuff after we quit hitting record probably but, but thank you for coming on and for the work that you’re really doing to help people.
00:45:03.900 –> 00:45:10.650
Jason Mefford: actually have more success and happiness because that’s ultimately what everybody wants the problem is, they just don’t know how to really get it.
00:45:10.920 –> 00:45:12.120
Brian Ahearn: yep I agree.
00:45:12.150 –> 00:45:17.910
Jason Mefford: So, so thank you, my friend and i’m sure we’ll have to have you back again you’re going to be a regular person on the on the.
00:45:18.990 –> 00:45:21.300
Brian Ahearn: Show I thought I would love it Jason Thank you.
00:45:21.660 –> 00:45:22.200
Jason Mefford: Thank you.